Humorous Linux Posters - Part One

A cheerful, bright and sun-shiney Monday to you,

In our ongoing tradition of scouring the web for funny stuff (to make up for actually having to work, which takes away from blog-writing time ;), here's another collection of humor pieces. Posters, actually. The sentence before last was an attempt to sound highbrow while writing about low art. Not that posters are bad, in principal, but... Well, you be the judge :)

BTW, if the Linux Command Reference poster seems out of place, you can rest assured that it is. There's no joke to find in there. The reason we chose it was because of how very little it seems to actually cover. Pity the sysadmin who tries to get by on that amount of advice. It's got some good stuff in there, but it's not a safety-net by any means. Think of it as equivalent to MS Word's "Grammar Checker" to a non-English-speaking American, writing his new resumé. He can get rid of all those red and green underlines, but, in the end, his job application will be completely unreadable and insane. At best, he'll have a shot at landing a job in a special-needs environment ;)

Enjoy the posters, all pictures are copywrite of their respective creators and, as always, Cheers,

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, Mike

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Off-Topic Humor - Chuck Norris On Chuck Norris Facts

Here's hoping you're having a happy and healthy Sunday :)

Today's topic (embedded at the end of the post) is, yet again, Chuck Norris. The video below is from "The Best Damn Sports Show Period," and linked to on the incredibly funny ChrisLawson.net.

Enjoy the video and follow the link trail above. Not much Linux and Unix related stuff (except for one post entitled Linux Programmer or Saddam Hussein! , which may offend some readers other than myself), but packed with tons of hilarity. Check it out. Something on ChrisLawson.net has to make you laugh :)

Cheers,

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, Mike

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How Well Does Computer Humor Age? Decade Check.

Hello again,

I lost a bit of sleep last night but am slowly realizing (as I type, which is scary) that it's time to write this week's Sunday (bloody Sunday ;) post.

On this week's humor search, I tripped over this piece of work, copywrite 1998, at berro.com. They host more than antiquated humor there, of course, and in more categories than I had time to fully check out. Lots of good stuff, though :)

At first I was going to let this one go, but when I noticed the copywrite date and checked out some of the fake definitions, it dawned on me that it might be worth posting. Even if some of it isn't funny, or relevant, anymore, it makes for an interest sociological experiment in humor over the ages.

The only downside is, I'll never know "for sure" how many of the people who read this post actually remember having to choose between VHS and BetaMax at the video rental store. Hell, in 10 years, many people may not even remember the VHS video tape, much less the "store" ;)

Kind of sad, actually. Hopefully, in 10 years, people will still be leaving their houses every once in a while. You can meet lots of interesting people just by going out to buy a bag of potato chips. You can meet a lot of psycho's, too. And, of course, it's always hard to tell if people are really who they say they are and somewhat difficult to judge the veracity of any of their statements, based solely on their say-so. It's kind of like meeting people online, except you don't have to ask what they look like or what they're wearing ;) ...that last joke was a little perverse. If you're too young to understand it, I apologize :)

Enjoy the trip down memory lane :)

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Geek Office Slang: New Office Slang Incorporating Geek
Language

404: Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, "404
Not Found," which means the document requested couldn't be located. "Don't
bother asking John. He's 404."

Adminisphere: The rarified organizational layers above the
rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or
irrelevant.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient
person in an office or work group. "I dunno, ask Rick. He's our alpha geek."

Assmosis: Remember "Osmosis" The process by which some people
seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than
working hard.

Batmobiling: putting up emotional shields. Refers to the
retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in "she started talking marriage
and he started batmobiling"

Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when
their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical
spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid- sentence.

Betamaxed: When a technology is overtaken in the market by
inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right
out of the market"

Blamestorming: A group discussion of why a deadline was missed
or a project failed and who was responsible.

Blowing Your Buffer: Losing one's train of thought. Occurs
when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or
has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I
just blew my buffer!" (Synonym: "Head Crash")

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who
look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Bookmark: To take note of a person for future reference.
"After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him."

Brain Fart: A byproduct of a bloated mind producing
information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on
the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?"
Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

CGI Joe: A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social
skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce
the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chip Jewelry: Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned
into decoration. "I paid three grand for that Mac and now it's nothing but chip
jewelry."

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "First we
gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an
ill- advised activity. "Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is
a serious CLM."

Cobweb: A WWW site that never changes.

Crapplet: A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet.
"I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!"

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a
cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE
DOGGING.....

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition: The paper version of a publication
available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is
Dilbert, the comic strip character. "Damn, I've been dilberted again! The old
man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Dorito Syndrome: The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction
triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent
six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Egosurfing: Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one's own
name.

Elvis Year: The peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney
the dinosaur's Elvis year"

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of
planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica: Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in
"we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"

Glazing: Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a
popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice
that by the second session half the room was glazing?"

Going Postal: Totally stressed out and losing it like postal
employees who went on shooting rampages

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people
take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they
are solvent again.

Gray Matter: Older, experienced business people hired by young
entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land: The place you go while you're staring at a
computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar
creep across the screen). "That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an
hour."

High Dome: Egghead, scientist, PhD

Idea Hamsters: People whose idea generators are always
running.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are
annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials
were a prime example.

It's a Feature: From the old adage, "It's not a bug, it's a
feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss
over.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found
on some people's computer keyboards.

Link Rot: The process by which web page's links become
obsolete as the sites they're connected to change or die.

Meatspace: The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also
"carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"

Mouse Potato: The online generation's answer to the couch
potato.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time during which you
realize you've just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out
of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perot: To quit unexpectedly. "My cellular phone just
perot'ed."

Plug-and-Play: A new hire who doesn't require training. "That
new guy is totally plug-and-play."

Prairie Dogging: When something loud happens in a cube farm,
causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what's going on.

Ribs 'N' Dick: A budget with no fat as in "we've got ribs 'n'
dick and we're supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades"

Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed in the end. "God, today was a total salmon day!"

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
****s over everything and then leaves.

Siliwood: The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and
computers; also "Hollywired"

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and
one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. "Single Income, Two
Children, Oppressive Mortgage"

Square-Headed Spouse: Computer

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew
and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in
divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who thrives on being stressed-out and
whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been used so much
its magnetic strip is worn away.

Tourists: Those who take training classes just to take a
vacation from their jobs. "There were only three serious students in the class;
the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed
material.

Umfriend: One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in,
"this is Dale, my...um...friend."

Under Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating an online
service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under
mouse arrest."

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position required to reach
all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re- boot
for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the
Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

World Wide Wait: The real meaning of WWW.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from
one's workplace.

Yuppie Food Coupons: Twenty dollar bills from an ATM

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, Mike

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Blog Post Spinning: Instant Genius Or Just On-Demand Insanity?

Hey There,

NOTE: Since the above is the only line (save these introductory ones) of this repost of one of the few posts I've done here that contains nothing but insane ranting (Reference The original posted response to the demand for me to write a completely nonsense post ...on purpose ;) for the original version. It may or may not be funnier than this one ;), I feel compelled to let you know that this bit of surrealism is a bullet aimed at the heart of article spinning. I suppose it would have been more profound (In an Andy Kaufman'ish sort of way, if I didn't feel the need to explain myself, but he had a much drier sense of humor than I do ;) Enjoy the read :)

And, just in case this next line gets mangled, too:

Cheers!

If you're a lawful reader ( or even a slightly product reader ) of this blog, you haw hit noted that from instance to instance I'll, tongue in cheek, attain reference to, one day, eventually writing a locate that basically says nothing, goes nowhere and ends flat, leaving you opinion same you bought another pet rock. For whatever reason, there is resistless interest in my actually going finished with this and making a rank mimicry of my journal (although I've felt, at whatever times, that I was achieving that modify quite admirably ;) by writing meet much a post. Since I pride myself, somewhat, in doing what I feature I'm going to do (no concern how stupid or harmful ;) today has embellish the day that I locate digits to keyboard and blow discover that post.

PLEASE NOTE: I'm not kidding. While this locate haw be somewhat amusing, you module probably walk away, after reading it, realizing exclusive that you'll never ever get that instance back. Without boost ado, fanfare and/or circumstantial pomp, here comes that post. Please Stop Reading Now if you don't poverty to feature a whatever paragraphs that module ultimately pose no problem, hold null and leave without paying the check. You've been notified. This locate is meaningless. It module also be cursive without emoticons from this saucer on. The whole thing's a joke. I meet can't type that many winks in one post. The last instance I attempted to, my keyboard got rubor and I had to hit it deloused at the Rustler Steak House down the street from my Pet Psychic's favorite Organic Food outlet.

Unix and UNIX are two keywords I same to use a aggregation in locate bodies, and locate titles, for this blog. It goes mainly to the fact that this journal is about lots of things Unix and UNIX related. And, since it's next to impracticable to do beatific SEO with a journal where the content on the front page changes all every day, dropping backwards on those two words (and a whatever choice other ones) helps ready this cyber-rag in Google's goggles. You haw hit noticed that I used them in my denomination today and have, thus far, used the words UNIX and Unix a total of 6 nowadays (3 each) within a relatively short chunk of text. I hit no sense of direction and also can't calculate keyword density on the fly, but, if my offhandedly calculations are correct, I'd feature we're hunting at about a 100% saturation level, at the rattling most.

I'm a huge fan of Solaris and RedHat, which makes it hornlike for me to speech to plants, even though my wife insists that they're listening and I haw actually be serving them grow. Still, when it comes down to a choice between using either UNIX or Unix to rank a particular task, I run to lean toward the wall in the duty with the most stable furniture. I've been studying Feng Shui for whatever instance now, and I crapper honestly tell you that null is where it's supposed to be. One of the underlying principles of that ancient training (or is it meet the exclusive belief that involves heavy lifting?) is the assertion that where you locate things crapper hit a dramatic effect on your quality of life. For instance, if you follow a subfigure in your eye, you module be blind, bleeding, in nonindulgent pain and making a disorderliness of your experience area in no time. Luckily, the color flushed attracts beatific energy. The kind that module help you muster up the strength to either vantage that subfigure backwards discover of your eye or, at the rattling least, locate your @ss in a car that (depending upon the severity of your wound) is either going to modify up in the crisis room parking aggregation or enwrapped around a tree on your neighbors lawn. If you promulgation sufficiency beatific energy, you haw even attract the attention of strangers who module call 911 as presently as they've run discover of video tape.

Fortunately, the resolution to every difficulty is nearly as simple as the difficulty itself. All you requirement to do is follow these 3 simple steps, and you'll be able to troubleshoot whatever UNIX or Unix difficulty that comes your way. This is a tried-and-true method that is virtually 100% guaranteed...

1. Be trusty that you see the language in which the difficulty is existence described to you. More pointless meetings hit been adjourned due to poor act than for whatever other reason. Understanding is key when you're handling with someone who is completely paralyzed by irrational fear. If, after exhausting all options, you find that you still cannot attain whatever headway, pretend to understand. Nodding, squeezing of the lineament between thumb and forefinger and unclear (yet distant) actuation of the eyes, coupled with satisfactory sounds same mmm-hmmm, crapper go a long artefact toward getting you to step 2 as quickly as possible.

2. Email the exclusive programme you hit who, for whatever reason, refuses to answer direct questions via whatever recordable medium. While he (or she) crapper be extremely irritating under most circumstances, you hit an ally in this management-type who module provide you with absolutely bullet-proof @ss-cover if anyone ever comes around asking questions. Just be trusty you send the original email and ready binary copies (at binary locations) of the response requesting that you get unitedly to handle the issue in person at an off-site location.

3. Using the aggregation you've barely gleaned, and the brush off you've cleanly pocketed, during the enforcement of steps 1 and 2, manufacture an incident that trumps both with respect to both immediacy and length-of-engagement. If you hit to get to work on something \"mission-critical\" right away and you strength be going at it for days, without sleep, so that your consort crapper hang on to whatever hope of staunching the flow of imaginary life-blood-cash, your difficulty should be reassigned presently enough.

IMPORTANT NOTE REGARDING STEP 3: Be trusty that your \"emergency\" requires you to be off-site (i.e. discover of the duty and, preferably, discover of the accumulation center. Shoot for a non-extradition country, if possible) in visit to fix it. Maintain act exclusive via pay-phone. Never turn on your machine or your cell phone. Be trusty that everyone understands that they \"are\" talking to you on your consort cell's speaker-phone (even though they aren't) and use a public tangency at the library to occasionally snap a mail finished a VPN connected to your organization's backup network. Make trusty you manually edit the headers meet sufficiency to attain them unclear to a manlike and completely sensible to a mail agent. If you reassert frequency-silence by leaving your cell phone and machine off, you crapper refrain suspicion to a better degree. Even the more paranoid among your masters module be somewhat comforted by the fact that all the systems are intense \"and\" the GPS devices they've weighed you down with aren't indicating where in the world you are. If you possess a car, take a bus. You probably hit Tom-Tom in there or whatever form of LoJack. If at all possible, find a locate in the mountains (near a National Park or Wildlife Preserve) to do your heavy troubleshooting, live off of berries and kill your possess food. If you're reasonably intelligent, after a week or so, you'll never poverty to come back.

That existence said, given Solaris' and RedHat's solidified track records, I think you'll find that, utilizing a comely steam-powered vacuum cleaner, you crapper attain nearly whatever stain countenance worse. If you do null added for the rest of your life, constantly berate yourself for buying white carpets. And don't go easy on your self. Be really mean. You deserve every moment of the sorrow you're going to endure. What were you thinking? That'll inform you to use Linux, when Unix is a perfectly acceptable alternative OS that is also all biodegradable, so you crapper feel crack while you're busy raping and pillaging the surround in whatever other way.

It goes without locution that...

, Mike

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More Funny Applications Errors From Linux, Unix And Elsewhere

Hey There,

Well, the sunny breezy weather forecast out here in Chicago has turned out to be nothing but oppressive humidity (which almost never happens ;) so I've spent most of my day seeing spots. Thankfully, around these parts, the fall, winter and spring take up a lot more of the year than the summer (or maybe it's just that the winter gets so freezing cold that it seems longer. Whatever it is; I love it and it makes this misery bearable ;)

I ran into another "bad slab magic error" today, installing an older version of RedHat Linux on a freebie junk-pc that a neighbor decided to punt to the curb and it was hard not to crack a smile (I don't know why that error always makes me laugh. It just sounds really really goofy to me, and I love goofy humor :)

Anyway, that error message got me thinking that I haven't scoured the net for funny error messages in a while, but, thankfully, folks are still posting them like they're going out of style (I think, in fact, that the opposite is true and they have yet to come into their own ;)

This batch of funny application error messages below was found on the Waikato Linux Users Group Site, and they deserve all the credit for either collecting these gems or (I'm not here to judge) making them up. If it sounds reasonably credible (which most incomprehensible error messages do, nowadays), I'll put aside whatever I'm doing to chuckle for a moment or to. Even if I'm only chuckling on the inside ;)

They (Reader's Digest ;) say that laughter is the best medicine. If that's true, this page will do you some good. If you've gone and severed a limb, you may need to go see a doctor. That's one of the ailments they almost never misdiagnose and, although they can cure it, there's rarely any laughter involved.

It's a backward, upside-down, topsy-turvy world ;)

Cheers,

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Messages reported by applications and OperatingSystems

These are some of the funny, sarcastic, or just plain stupid error messages that you might see. If you are looking for "proper" error messages from applications, and how to resolve them, look at ApplicationErrorMessages.

Keyboard not found. Hit F1 to continue

Many BIOSes will report this error if a keyboard is not found at boot time.

lp on fire

The Linux lp# driver says this when your printer signals an error, but doesn't signal which error. Usually this means the printer is offline. (This message was copied from much earlier line printer daemons from Unixes of old.)

Update: Kernel 2.4.20 contains the following change from 2.4.19:

 diff -urN linux-2.4.19/drivers/usb/printer.c
 linux-2.4.20/drivers/usb/printer.c
 --- linux-2.4.19/drivers/usb/printer.c  Fri Aug  2 17:39:45 2002
 +++ linux-2.4.20/drivers/usb/printer.c  Thu Nov 28 15:53:14 2002
 @@ -257,7 +257,7 @@
   * Get and print printer errors.
   */

 -static char *usblp_messages[] = { "ok", "out of paper", "off-line", "on fire" };
 +static char *usblp_messages[] = { "ok", "out of paper", "off-line", "unknown error" };

Q276304 - Error Message: Your Password Must Be at Least 18770 Characters and Cannot Repeat Any of Your Previous 30689 Passwords

A Microsoft Windows error message as reported by comp.risks 21.37

You don't exist. Go away.

This message appears for certain unix programs when an entry can't be found for you in /etc/passwd (or these days, via PAM). This might be because you've not logged in via login(1) (this can happen if /etc/inittab specifies a program that doesn't log you in, instead of getty(8)), if your machine can't retrieve the data from the network (if you are using NIS or LDAP or some other network user administration system) or if you've made a mistake editing /etc/passwd (or friends).

Curse on you, wizard, before you recurse on me.

bibtex(1) style files use an undocumented language called BST (or that's the file extenstion, which is the closest it has to a name). In this language recursion is prohibited, and this is the message you get if you try it.

I refuse to debug myself!

If you tell GDB to try to attach to its own process. (It can't run it and breakpoint it and the same time.)

The devil is in the details: zero number of heads or sectors

Seen from the mdir(1) command.

MicrosoftWindows MSI Installer

Software Installation encountered an unexpected error while reading from the MSI file \\mlc1\deploy\FireFox-1.0.1-enUS.msi.

The error was not serious enough to justify halting the operation.

The following error was encountered: The operation completed successfully.

sudo(1)

If the insults flag is set in /etc/sudoers, sudo(1) will return one of the following errors when an invalid password is entered:

• Just what do you think you're doing Dave?


• It can only be attributed to human error.


• That's something I cannot allow to happen.


• My mind is going. I can feel it.


• Sorry about this, I know it's a bit silly.


• Take a stress pill and think things over.


• This mission is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.


• I feel much better now.


• Wrong! You cheating scum!


• No soap, honkie-lips.


• Where did you learn to type?


• Are you on drugs?


• My pet ferret can type better than you!


• You type like i drive.


• Do you think like you type?


• Your mind just hasn't been the same since the electro-shock, has it?


• Maybe if you used more than just two fingers...


• BOB says: You seem to have forgotten your passwd, enter another!


• stty: unknown mode: doofus


• I can't hear you -- I'm using the scrambler.


• The more you drive -- the dumber you get.


• Listen, burrito brains, I don't have time to listen to this trash.


• I've seen penguins that can type better than that.


• Have you considered trying to match wits with a rutabaga?


• You speak an infinite deal of nothing


• You silly, twisted boy you.


• He has fallen in the water!


• We'll all be murdered in our beds!


• You can't come in. Our tiger has got flu


• I don't wish to know that.


• What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what?


• You can't get the wood, you know.


• You'll starve!


• ... and it used to be so popular...


• Pauses for audience applause, not a sausage


• Hold it up to the light --- not a brain in sight!


• Have a gorilla...


• There must be cure for it!


• There's a lot of it about, you know.


• You do that again and see what happens...


• Ying Tong Iddle I Po


• Harm can come to a young lad like that!


• And with that remarks folks, the case of the Crown vs yourself was proven.


• Speak English you fool --- there are no subtitles in this scene.


• You gotta go owwwww!


• I have been called worse.


• It's only your word against mine.


• I think ... err ... I think ... I think I'll go home

(Taken from ins_*.h in the source for sudo 1.6.6)

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, Mike

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Funny Or Die: Unix Trouble

Happy Day-Before-Easter :)

I found the following video on a site I'd never seen before called Funny Or Die which hosts a series by the name of "Yell For Help With Stewie Bronson."

If this doesn't make you laugh, you may be dead inside. Or, maybe it's not your sense of humor ;) Give it a shot and check it out. At worst, you'll die knowing that you wasted those entire five minutes :)

Cheers,

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Yell for Help! With Stewie Bronson: UNIX trouble - watch more funny videos

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, Mike

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Funny Unix and Linux Quotes

Hey there,

Beginning another weekend of work (following a week of work, of course ;) I thought I'd inject some more humor into this blog (since I seem to be needing it more and more).

They say laughter is the best medicine. I'll cure whatever ails ya. Before this month is out, I expect to be the equivalent of a methadone program to wean myself off of the yuks ;)

Enjoy these quotes from Geek24.com and drop by their site for a visit. They have more there than just this portion of one page ;)

Cheers,

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Absolutely Hilarious Computer Quotes

"If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0"

"The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents."

"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google."

"unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep"  - my daily unix command list

"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs." - Robert Firth

"If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise."

"The more I C, the less I see."

"To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password."

"After Perl everything else is just assembly language."

"If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough."

"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."

"Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are."
 
"COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods."

“Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.” — Michael Sinz

"There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't."

"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - This is not humorous by itself; but in the context it's a classic by Bill Gates in 1981

Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."

"Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer."   - Erik Naggum

"Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell."

"SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it."

"Windows95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush.

"People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'."

"I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly"

"A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light"

"The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.81 m/s2."

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila"

"1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d"

"To go forward, you must backup."

"I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code"

"A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting."

"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."

"Better to be a geek than an idiot."

"Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something."

"Geek's favorite pickup line: Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform? "

"Be nice to geeks when you're in school, you might end-up working for one when you grow-up."

"Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail."

"Evolution is God's way of issuing upgrades."

"The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back."

"It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages."

"The box said 'Required Windows 95 or better'. So, I installed LINUX."

"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."

"once upon a midnight dreary, while i pron surfed, weak and weary,
over many a strange and spurious site of 'hot xxx galore'.
While i clicked my fav'rite bookmark, suddenly there came a warning, and my heart was filled with mourning, mourning for my dear amour,
" 'Tis not possible!", i muttered, "give me back my free hardcore!"
quoth the server, 404."

"Mac users swear by their Mac,
PC users swear at their PC."

"Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."

"Dating a girl is just like writing software. Everything's going to work just fine in the testing lab (dating), but as soon as you have contract with a customer (marriage), then your program (life) is going to be facing new situations you never expected. You'll be forced to patch the code (admit you're wrong) and then the code (wife) will just end up all bloated and unmaintainable in the end."

"Real men don't use backups, they post their stuff on a public ftp server and let the rest of the world make copies."  - Linus Torvalds

"There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those that understand trinary, those that don't, and those that confuse it with binary."

"If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime."

"It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa."

"I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'."

"The nice thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from."

"The term reboot comes from the middle age (before computers). Horses who stopped in mid-stride required a boot to the rear to start again. Thus the term to rear-boot, later abbreviated into reboot."

"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."

 
"The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones."

"Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you."

---

, Mike

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Hilarious Root Cause Analyses

A wonderful Sunday to everyone!

This week's Lazy Sunday post isn't technically humor-related; although I found this to be hilarious. I think, probably, because it mirrors my reality. If you work in IT, the situation (although the details are probably different) may ring true with you, too.

I found this on www.systems-thinking.org in an article on Root Cause Analysis.

The entirety of the article is good reading and quite interesting. The example (from the site; pasted below) of how over-analyzing a problem can sometimes lead to undesirable conclusions, is a joy to read :)

Cheers,

---

Scenario # 1

The Plant Manager walked into the plant and found oil on the
floor. He called the Foreman over and told him to have maintenance
clean up the oil. The next day while the Plant Manager was in
the same area of the plant he found oil on the floor again and
he subsequently raked the Foreman over the coals for not following
his directions from the day before. His parting words were to
either get the oil cleaned up or he'd find someone that would.

Scenario # 2

The Plant Manager walked into the plant and found oil on the
floor. He called the Foreman over and asked him why there was
oil on the floor. The Foreman indicated that it was due to a
leaky gasket in the pipe joint above. The Plant Manager then
asked when the gasket had been replaced and the Foreman responded
that Maintenance had installed 4 gaskets over the past few weeks
and they each one seemed to leak. The Foreman also indicated
that Maintenance had been talking to Purchasing about the gaskets
because it seemed they were all bad. The Plant Manager then went
to talk with Purchasing about the situation with the gaskets.
The Purchasing Manager indicated that they had in fact received
a bad batch of gaskets from the supplier. The Purchasing Manager
also indicated that they had been trying for the past 2 months
to try to get the supplier to make good on the last order of
5,000 gaskets that all seemed to be bad. The Plant Manager then
asked the Purchasing Manager why they had purchased from this
supplier if they were so disreputable and the Purchasing Manager
said because they were the lowest bidder when quotes were received
from various suppliers. The Plant Manager then asked the Purchasing
Manager why they went with the lowest bidder and he indicated
that was the direction he had received from the VP of Finance.
The Plant Manager then went to talk to the VP of Finance about
the situation. When the Plant Manager asked the VP of Finance
why Purchasing had been directed to always take the lowest bidder
the VP of Finance said, "Because you indicated that we had
to be as cost conscious as possible!" and purchasing from
the lowest bidder saves us lots of money. The Plant Manger was
horrified when he realized that he was the reason there was oil
on the plant floor. Bingo!

---

, Mike

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Where Have All The Funny Times Gone?

Hey there,

I almost can't wait until Monday to get back on the NetBackup horse and ride. I think Monday's post is going to be so seemingingly unbelievable that it will read like humor. In the meantime, I'll leave being funny to the funny people who collect funny cartoons at funnytimes.com ;)

Enjoy your Saturday. If your boss calls on that cell phone the company gave you that can get the Internet (and your email...), don't answer. Once it stops ringing, go put it in the back yard, near the chain-link fence. No signal means no explanations required ;)

Cheers, and enjoy the cartoons :)

---

---

, Mike

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Doctor Fun - More Linux And Unix Comic Humor

Hey There,

Here's another great site I never knew existed. Lots of funny cartoons going by the name of "Dr. Fun"

Unfortunately, the series ended in 2006, but (fortunately) it's still being hosted at ibiblio.org so you can read every single one of them :)

I've included a few of my favorites. One from each year; starting at the end, in 2006, until 1997 which wasn't the last year, but has made this post incredibly long (...as if that's ever been a concern ;)

In all honestly, I think I just got tired of the workplace perversion of "cut and paste" ("cut and paste and pretend to be contemplating a sound technological and fiscal solution to whatever the current problem is"" ;)

Cheers!

---

---

, Mike

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Star Wars Vs. Star Trek: Some Slightly Off-Topic Humor

Happy Sunday to everyone,

Hopefully you're still asleep while you're reading this (????) I guess, kind of like I am while I'm writing this ;)

This Sunday, I stumbled upon this goofy, but fun, video on YouTube. It's an HQ mish-mosh of Star Trek and Star Wars. Actually, pretty clever.

I, for the record, am a bigger fan of the original Star Trek, since I watched it as a kid. Then, as a 20-something (into a few questionably-legal past-times ;) I fell in love with it again, mostly because of the bad sets, and blatantly stereotypical characters. You had a womanizer, a grumpy old man, a soulless intellectual and a raging drunk, just to get you started. You can't make up T.V. like that ;) (????)

Enjoy. I'm going back to bed ;)

---

---

, Mike

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Some Off-Season Linux And Unix Humor

Hey There,

Today's Linux/Unix humor post is a little early in the arriving. It's only March and I found a decent Christmas joke. If I were in advertising, promo'ing Santa Claus in the first quarter would probably be laudable ;)

Hope you enjoy this little joke, which I found over at BOHOL. Of course, this isn't the only joke they've got up there, but it might be the best. Give 'em a look if you need a good pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-holiday laugh ;)

Cheers,

---

Similarities Between Santa and Sysadmins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."

5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

---

, Mike

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Unix and Linux Humor: RTFM Man Page

Hey there,

As I prepare for another fun-filled weekend of taking over-the-counter stimulants (to enhance the effects of the caffeine and nicotine already in my system ;) and working from 8am until 4 in the morning the next day, I thought I'd go out and find some more funny stuff on the net.

Today, I happened upon jaegers.net's Unix and Linux humor page, which is packed with goodies. Go check it out. They've got everything from a few fake man pages you may not have seen yet (I opted not to go with the Knife man page, although I liked the description of the Sysadmin Network Interrupt Protocol (SNIP) ;) to jokes and even pictures that don't require words to understand. And that's just part of the site. I'll be checking more of it out later, since they have multiple humor sections and I like to laugh at anything funny (no matter who's feeling's get hurt; even if they're my own ;)

Enjoy this man-page-usage man page. Read The Fine Manual, I believe it stands for. Or some fuckin' thing like that ;)

Cheers,

The man page below can be found, in its original context, online at jaegers.net

---

rtfm(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual rtfm(1)

NAME

rtfm - read the fucking manual

SYNOPSIS

rtfm

OPTIONS

None, you have to read the manual for an answer.

DESCRIPTION

Used when lazy people ask stupid questions. Normaly cried out in vain.

FILES

/dev/null

ENVIRONMENT

Any.

SEE ALSO

man(1)

DIAGNOSTICS

Is an diagnostic. Since you are reading this you are getting the idea.

BUGS

Ha!

---

, Mike

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On Call Almost Over! Final Round Of Linux/Unix Cartoons

Hey there,

I'm hoping to be able to go back to sleep tomorrow, so I can wake up and write something either useful or entertaining. And, although this blog is about Linux and Unix, the work I get stuck doing 24 x 7 when I'm on primary pager is nothing special. Just imagine some really mundane and/or trivial task and multiply that by how many times you can do it in one week, minus those fits of micro-sleep and/or random stuporous activities driven by pure rote motor function. That's about how interesting anything I've done this week has been ;)

I did consider doing a "on-call-post" marathon at one point, although I determined that (even if the odd humor wasn't lost on lots of folks), doing a surrealistic week of the exact same post seven times in a row would be a waste of everyone's time and just ratchet up my email death-threat count (still, happily, sitting at zero ;)

Hope you enjoy these toons from Geek & Poke. Go and check the site out, too. They've been going strong since 2006. I'll be back tomorrow with some original material.

Cheers,

Click any cartoon below to be taken to GeekAndPoke

---

---

, Mike

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Unix and Linux Workplace Sadomasochism: Possibly As Bad As It Sounds.

Hey there,

Ever Feel Like Killing Your Boss? Me neither, officially, but after a day like today, I can't get that old Feederz album out my head. Great tunes, if you're feeling punky and vengeful ;)

As I sit and reflect on my work-day (and the non-stop Unix and Linux weekend suck-a-thon coming up) I think (for only about the third or fourth time in my life) that just hiring someone to kick me in the nuts every 10 minutes or so (at random intervals, to keep it interesting ;) has actually surpassed showing up at work, and being figuratively kneed in the sac, on my list of top ten ways to spend my day.

While I ice my bruised ego and get mentally detached enough to VPN in to do even more work tonight (so I can be almost on-track by tomorrow morning) I thought I'd put up this great piece of work-related humor that's eerily similar to what I've been thinking all week. The site I got this from is called WhyWorkSucks.com and is well worth checking out. I'm going to be hopping on this gentleman's mailing list, because I can't wait to read the book he's working on. As he states on his page, he's not looking to sucker you; just keep you informed. Kind of like we do here. No spam, just updates if you want them (In the right hand column; handled through Google - who have acquired FeedBurner - so we never know who you are or what your email address is).

Enjoy the following and find out if you've got the stuff it takes to make it in management! Also, check out whyworksucks.com. There's a lot of great stuff on that site, including interactive pages like the "Wheel Of Policy" and the "CEOmatic 2000," just in case you ever find yourself at a loss for that important sounding, but ultimately meaningless, declaration that may or may not serve to "rally the troops" (bet the other way ;)

Cheers,

NOTE: Clicking on the link, at the bottom of the excerpt below, will take you to the whyworksucks.com website to take the quiz. Hopefully, you don't have it in you. And if you do, please quit wearing the steel-toed boots ;) ...the following has only been modified to show the pictures the hosting company won't allow us to create remote-links to and to make this legible on BlogSpot.

---

This is a test to see if you're ready
— or even ever capable — of holding a position in management.
This highly accurate scientific, standardized test was developed
by some highly paid consultants who in turn consulted with a
number of focus group participants who in turn consulted with
an inner demon named Lester.

Before we get started
with the test, take a quick look at your writing utensil. If
that writing utensil is a number 2 pencil, put down the test
right now and give yourself an "F." Coming to class
prepared?! How could you be so incompetent! You're never going
to succeed that way!

If — even now
— the thought of finding something to write with hasn't
crossed your mind, give yourself a 1,000-point head start.

Are you ready now?
Click here to begin the management quiz.

© Copyright 2000 Why Work
Sucks. All Rights Reserved.

---

, Mike

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Sunday Unix And Linux Humor: Vi, Emacs And The Balloon

Hey there,

Hope you're having (or are about to have) a great Sunday. If you live in the U.S.A., you're probably temporarily disoriented because of daylight savings time. I've never been a fan of the give-one-hour take-on-hour-back system, but it was actually necessary a long long time ago (See the original rationale on Wikipedia's Daylight Savings Time Page - The first paragraph alone is enough to make anyone question why we still practice this tradition). Nowadays it just seems like I'm either waking up too late or too early twice a year ;)

I also seem to have offended a few folks yesterday with my meandering religious-philosophical greeting. By way of explanation, the ending, where I wrote "There's always apathy and, quite frankly, at this point I've stopped giving a shit how your day is going ;)" I was working under the assumption that the winky emoticon (as much as I hate it ;) would be enough to let everyone know (by way of symbolic inflection) that I was just kidding. It wasn't the finest line of "goofy" I've ever written, but everything on that line after the word "apathy" was a direct play on that word's meaning (for which Random House Dictionary's primary definition is: absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement). If that sort of stuff offends you, I apologize in advance. If you continue to read this blog, it'll probably happen again. Sorry :)

Today's Linux/Unix humor comes in two forms. One is a straight up joke and the other is an excerpt from an email back-and-forth regarding the Emacs/Vi aspects of a Learning-Unix book (Harley Hahn's Unix Unbound) that's good for a quick laugh. We picked the balloon joke up at get.a.clue.de and we got the Emacs/Vi bit at www.feep.net. Both sites are worth visiting, if only for the fact that they each contain even more decent quality jokes and funnies.

Enjoy, laugh and be merry. Life is short. ...where does the time go? Oh, yeah; we're saving daylight. Which means, that you've officially read this post one hour earlier than your clock may lead you to believe (unless you're like me and have an old fashioned clock that doesn't adjust automatically, and you're also as lazy as me and you just compensate in your head until DST reverts ;)

Cheers,

---

EMACS AND VI - NO HTML FORMATTING DUE TO LACK OF ENTHUSIASM ;) SOME EMAIL HEADERS REMOVED TO SAVE SPACE.

Subject: Re: The UNIX-Haters' Handbook? (was Re: Who are the most obnoxious computer groupies?)
....

Matthew Crosby wrote:
>In article ,
>Loren Petrich wrote:
>>
>> In my experience, vi is the absolute worst full-screen
>>(character-mode GUI) text editor I have *ever* used.
>> [ and so on in the anti-vi mode ... ]
>
>vi has the fastest, most efficient keybindings around.
> [ and so on in the pro-vi mode ... ]

Harley Hahn's book _Unix Unbound_ (which I recommend, BTW,
to anyone learning Unix) has chapters on vi and emacs. The
vi chapter contains the following paragraph:

HINT: If you are learning vi and you become temporarily
discouraged, take a break and try a little emacs. emacs
will seem so complex and impossible that you will feel a
lot better about using vi.

While the emacs chapter contains this one:

HINT: If you are learning emacs and you become temporarily
discouraged, take a break and try a little vi. vi
will seem so complex and impossible that you will feel a
lot better about using emacs.

Says it all really, doesn't it? :-)

---

UNIX Humor - balloon

---

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is
lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He
lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can
you tell me where I am?" - The man below says: "yes
you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this
field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the
balloonist. - "I do" replies the man. "How did you know.
" - "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have
told me is technically correct, but it's no use to
anyone."

The man below says "you must work in Management." - "I
do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" -
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or
where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help
. You're in the same position you were before we met,
but now it's my fault."

, Mike

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User Friendly Comic Strip: More Linux And Unix Humor

Hey There,

All right, it's Saturday again and time, once again, to wish you all a fantastic beggining-of-the-weekend and pray that your deity-of-choice smile down upon you or scowl up at you, depending upon what you believe. Maybe smile up at you, or scowl down upon you, look at you sideways from a random location, give you the stink-eye everywhere and nowhere or just continue to cease to exist. If you're having a bad day and don't like to be bullied into feeling better, feel free to remain miserable (which should be simple, since I've now rudely slapped down several "calls to action" - Have a nice day, God Damnit!!! - or it may, possibly, be more difficult, since now, in order to continue to be contrary, you'll need to be diametrically opposed to having a good day and having a bad day at the same time. No worries. There's always apathy and, quite frankly, at this point I've stopped giving a shit how your day is going ;)

Today, we're going back to the online comic-strip well, and checking out UserFriendly.org. They've been around for a while, and the web comic is also available as an actual book (as opposed to the online ones that may your eyeballs pop and twitch - No subtle suggestion happening here...)

Below are a few decent strips from the recent past. Check out their official website to access the archives and get updates daily! Good stuff most of the time. They've been around since, at least, 1998, and still put out a daily Linux/Unix/Computing-related comic :)

Cheers,

---

, Mike

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Funny And Fun Wallpapers: Linux And Unix Humor On A Monday

Hey there,

I began attempting to write a serious tech opinion piece for today, but realized (just a paragraph or two in) that to do so would be a waste of your time and whatever mental effort I have left in store (which I may, yet, be called upon to exert, since I'm writing this the day before I'm relieved of pager duty). As of this morning I've worked 41 hours this weekend and slept for about 5 or 6. Right now, I'm so tired I can't sleep (ever had that happen to you? Probably, if you do what I do for a living).

I can hear all of the world's smallest violins (all but one, in a realistic sense, actually being the world's almost-smallest ;) playing just for me, so I'll move on. The pity party is over. Probably, plenty of folks (in technical and non-technical fields) are having a much worse time of it than I am. If you're one of them, let me preemptively write "I get it" and "you win." There; now we're all ( at the very least ) equally miserable ;)

Off-subject-but-interesting, I think: Does anyone else find it strange that the wikipedia page for Opinion is so short? You'd think that would be the one page that everyone could contribute to and have their entry accepted. It should be HUGE. In fact, there should be at least one entry stating that the entire basis of the concept of opinion is mere opinion. Just my 2 cents worth ;)

Hope you get a laugh from at least one of the fun wallpapers/backgrounds for your Linux or Unix desktop; tagged onto the bottom of the post. They're all being linked directly to LinuxHotBox.com (Don't Bogart that Linux, my friend ;). Stop on over there if you like what you see and are hungry for more. They have plenty of other cool backgrounds/wallpapers and more than just ones attempting to be funny and/or clever!

I'll be back tomorrow, after getting some rest (I think I just jinxed any hope of ever sleeping again ;)

NOTE: Some of the pictures have been trimmed by my column width. Not so much so that I want to fuss over them all. They're all available at the site linked to above :)

Cheers,

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, Mike

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