Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year! Unix and Linux Resolutions.

Good morning/afternoon/evening... is it January 2nd already?!?!?!?!

Today's bit of humour might help you shake off the hair-of-the-dog that you (if you're like me) are completely covered in by now. It's oddly amusing that New Year's Day (we're not counting however long you made it past midnight yesterday ;) is generally composed of a confusing and awkward hangover coupled with a nagging half-memory of something really stupid you promised to do this year (probably something beneficial and good-for-you... when will you ever learn ;)

The beauty of the New Year's resolution is that no one ever really expects you to keep it. I can't tell you how many people promised to quit smoking in 2009, at the party I attended last night, proceeded to light up within 5 minutes of midnight and got away with it scot-free. It's not that the information is classified, I just don't remember all that well. One of them may have been me ;) In any event, the life of a New Year's resolution (from my experience) usually plays out like this:

1. An inebriated promise/vow/declaration is made at some time before midnight (local time zone) regarding quitting a really bad habit or, conversely, working to form a really good one.

2. Within the half hour previous to midnight on New Year's Eve, this promise is made again, at least once. Often, the pronouncement is backed up by some form of peacocking and/or strangely primal mammalian behaviour ;)

3. About 5 minutes after midnight, on New Year's Day, the resolution is broken. All is not lost, however, due to an unwritten rule of universal law (Jim Beam's 67th Time-Space Assertion) which actually redefines the strict rules of linear time by allowing for the previous year to continue until the person who invokes the rule either falls asleep or passes out. Many people don't know this (and they'll never teach it in our public schools), but this is the real reason there are 365.25 days in a year, give or take. The concept of the leap year (along with all of its Byzantine provisions), and every calendar ever widely used, was invented as a way to keep from traumatizing our youth and instilling a sense of order in a universe powered by chaos but inhabited by "intelligent" life. I understand that most human beings need order and/or a sense of purpose in order to justify the "sanctity of life" they, out of necessity, hold so dear (except for the life of "pesky critters" and animals that taste good ;), but you must always consider that your God is probably still rolling on the floor laughing about how a simple brain-tweak that allowed you to realize you exist is "still" messing with your thought process, giving you a false sense of security in your species' superiority and causing you to exponentially waste more and more of your life philosophizing. I'm kidding, of course... Your God doesn't have a sense of humor anymore. He's been around a long long long time and he's well beyond bitter at this point ;)

4. The next day, the resolution is broken again, although, this time, after several minutes of nagging self doubt and an occasional burst of enthusiasm or really positive thought that's inevitably trampled under foot.

5. Lather, rinse, repeat ;)

Seriously, I hope you have a great New Year and keep at least one resolution (one of the good ones :) - Worst case, you can exercise your right to be a better person, quit a bad habit, start a good habit, etc, any day of the year. Once the year's freshness seal has been cracked, the year may be old, but any day is just as good a day as any :)

Happy New Year, everyone!

BTW: See this post if you're curious to know how I feel about computer-illiterate people referring to us all as geeks and play a fun little bloody Ninja penguin game to go with that Bloody Mary. Kill your headache and some virtual corporate goons at the same time :)


Geek New Year's Resolutions

The upcoming new holds much hope and promise, and like everyone else, geeks have their own goals to meet . When it comes down to it, aren't that much different than regular, ordinary people. Right?

Geek New Year's Resolution List

Image1. Promise to install Linux on: Portable DVD player; Timex Ironman watch; Talking Santa; House arrest ankle bracelet

2. Learn to identify all O'Reilly books just by animal on cover

3. Remember Pi to at least 12 more decimal points

4. Finish writing thesis on Silly String theory

5. Establish skin re-pigmentation process using mild solar radiation exposures (ie. get out more)

6. Market own brand of open source Cola with triple-caffeine

7. Start another rally outside Paramount about reviving Star Trek franchises--this time without the massacre of ten thousand baby tribbles

8. Master control of three "World of Warcraft" characters simultaneously

9. Buy every copy of The Butterfly Effect 2 from Blockbuster Video and place in time capsule for me to find when I'm older

10. Appeal restraining orders from Geri Ryan, Jolene Blalock, and, um, Nichelle Nichols

, Mike

Please note that this blog accepts comments via email only. See our Mission And Policy Statement for further details.