The Linux and Unix Menagerie: resolution

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year! Unix and Linux Resolutions.

Good morning/afternoon/evening... is it January 2nd already?!?!?!?!

Today's bit of humour might help you shake off the hair-of-the-dog that you (if you're like me) are completely covered in by now. It's oddly amusing that New Year's Day (we're not counting however long you made it past midnight yesterday ;) is generally composed of a confusing and awkward hangover coupled with a nagging half-memory of something really stupid you promised to do this year (probably something beneficial and good-for-you... when will you ever learn ;)

The beauty of the New Year's resolution is that no one ever really expects you to keep it. I can't tell you how many people promised to quit smoking in 2009, at the party I attended last night, proceeded to light up within 5 minutes of midnight and got away with it scot-free. It's not that the information is classified, I just don't remember all that well. One of them may have been me ;) In any event, the life of a New Year's resolution (from my experience) usually plays out like this:

1. An inebriated promise/vow/declaration is made at some time before midnight (local time zone) regarding quitting a really bad habit or, conversely, working to form a really good one.

2. Within the half hour previous to midnight on New Year's Eve, this promise is made again, at least once. Often, the pronouncement is backed up by some form of peacocking and/or strangely primal mammalian behaviour ;)

3. About 5 minutes after midnight, on New Year's Day, the resolution is broken. All is not lost, however, due to an unwritten rule of universal law (Jim Beam's 67th Time-Space Assertion) which actually redefines the strict rules of linear time by allowing for the previous year to continue until the person who invokes the rule either falls asleep or passes out. Many people don't know this (and they'll never teach it in our public schools), but this is the real reason there are 365.25 days in a year, give or take. The concept of the leap year (along with all of its Byzantine provisions), and every calendar ever widely used, was invented as a way to keep from traumatizing our youth and instilling a sense of order in a universe powered by chaos but inhabited by "intelligent" life. I understand that most human beings need order and/or a sense of purpose in order to justify the "sanctity of life" they, out of necessity, hold so dear (except for the life of "pesky critters" and animals that taste good ;), but you must always consider that your God is probably still rolling on the floor laughing about how a simple brain-tweak that allowed you to realize you exist is "still" messing with your thought process, giving you a false sense of security in your species' superiority and causing you to exponentially waste more and more of your life philosophizing. I'm kidding, of course... Your God doesn't have a sense of humor anymore. He's been around a long long long time and he's well beyond bitter at this point ;)

4. The next day, the resolution is broken again, although, this time, after several minutes of nagging self doubt and an occasional burst of enthusiasm or really positive thought that's inevitably trampled under foot.

5. Lather, rinse, repeat ;)

Seriously, I hope you have a great New Year and keep at least one resolution (one of the good ones :) - Worst case, you can exercise your right to be a better person, quit a bad habit, start a good habit, etc, any day of the year. Once the year's freshness seal has been cracked, the year may be old, but any day is just as good a day as any :)

Happy New Year, everyone!

BTW: See this post if you're curious to know how I feel about computer-illiterate people referring to us all as geeks and play a fun little bloody Ninja penguin game to go with that Bloody Mary. Kill your headache and some virtual corporate goons at the same time :)

From GeekOfTheDay.com

Geek New Year's Resolutions

The upcoming new holds much hope and promise, and like everyone else, geeks have their own goals to meet . When it comes down to it, aren't that much different than regular, ordinary people. Right?

Geek New Year's Resolution List

1. Promise to install Linux on: Portable DVD player; Timex Ironman watch; Talking Santa; House arrest ankle bracelet

2. Learn to identify all O'Reilly books just by animal on cover

3. Remember Pi to at least 12 more decimal points

4. Finish writing thesis on Silly String theory

5. Establish skin re-pigmentation process using mild solar radiation exposures (ie. get out more)

6. Market own brand of open source Cola with triple-caffeine

7. Start another rally outside Paramount about reviving Star Trek franchises--this time without the massacre of ten thousand baby tribbles

8. Master control of three "World of Warcraft" characters simultaneously

9. Buy every copy of The Butterfly Effect 2 from Blockbuster Video and place in time capsule for me to find when I'm older

10. Appeal restraining orders from Geri Ryan, Jolene Blalock, and, um, Nichelle Nichols

, Mike

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Thursday, October 2, 2008

Linux Vs. Unix: The Sins Of The Father?

Hey There,

If you're a regular reader ( or even a slightly irregular reader ) of this blog, you may have noted that from time to time I'll, tongue in cheek, make reference to, one day, eventually writing a post that basically says nothing, goes nowhere and ends flat, leaving you feeling like you bought another pet rock. For some reason, there is overwhelming interest in my actually going through with this and making a complete mockery of my blog (although I've felt, at some times, that I was achieving that end quite admirably ;) by writing just such a post. Since I pride myself, somewhat, in doing what I say I'm going to do (no matter how stupid or harmful ;) today has become the day that I put digits to keyboard and hammer out that post.

PLEASE NOTE: I'm not kidding. While this post may be somewhat amusing, you will probably walk away, after reading it, realizing only that you'll never ever get that time back. Without further ado, fanfare and/or circumstantial pomp, here comes that post. Please Stop Reading Now if you don't want to read a few paragraphs that will ultimately pose no problem, resolve nothing and leave without paying the check. You've been notified. This post is meaningless. It will also be written without emoticons from this point on. The whole thing's a joke. I just can't type that many winks in one post. The last time I attempted to, my keyboard got conjunctivitis and I had to have it deloused at the Rustler Steak House down the street from my Pet Psychic's favorite Organic Food outlet.

Unix and Linux are two keywords I like to use a lot in post bodies, and post titles, for this blog. It goes mainly to the fact that this blog is about lots of things Unix and Linux related. And, since it's next to impossible to do good SEO with a blog where the content on the front page changes entirely every day, falling back on those two words (and a few choice other ones) helps keep this cyber-rag in Google's goggles. You may have noticed that I used them in my title today and have, thus far, used the words Linux and Unix a total of 6 times (3 each) within a relatively brief chunk of text. I have no sense of direction and also can't calculate keyword density on the fly, but, if my offhand calculations are correct, I'd say we're looking at about a 100% saturation level, at the very most.

I'm a huge fan of Solaris and RedHat, which makes it hard for me to talk to plants, even though my wife insists that they're listening and I may actually be helping them grow. Still, when it comes down to a choice between using either Linux or Unix to complete a particular task, I tend to lean toward the wall in the office with the most stable furniture. I've been studying Feng Shui for some time now, and I can honestly tell you that nothing is where it's supposed to be. One of the underlying principles of that ancient practice (or is it just the only philosophy that involves heavy lifting?) is the assertion that where you put things can have a dramatic impact on your quality of life. For instance, if you stick a fork in your eye, you will be blind, bleeding, in severe pain and making a mess of your living area in no time. Luckily, the color red attracts good energy. The kind that will help you muster up the strength to either pull that fork back out of your eye or, at the very least, put your @ss in a car that (depending upon the severity of your wound) is either going to end up in the emergency room parking lot or wrapped around a tree on your neighbors lawn. If you release enough good energy, you may even attract the attention of strangers who will call 911 as soon as they've run out of video tape.

Fortunately, the solution to every problem is almost as simple as the problem itself. All you need to do is follow these 3 simple steps, and you'll be able to troubleshoot any Linux or Unix problem that comes your way. This is a tried-and-true method that is virtually 100% guaranteed...

1. Be sure that you understand the language in which the problem is being described to you. More pointless meetings have been adjourned due to poor communication than for any other reason. Understanding is key when you're dealing with someone who is completely paralyzed by irrational fear. If, after exhausting all options, you find that you still cannot make any headway, pretend to understand. Nodding, squeezing of the chin between thumb and forefinger and vague (yet distant) rolling of the eyes, coupled with comforting sounds like mmm-hmmm, can go a long way toward getting you to step 2 as quickly as possible.

2. Email the only supervisor you have who, for some reason, refuses to answer direct questions via any recordable medium. While he (or she) can be extremely irritating under most circumstances, you have an ally in this management-type who will provide you with absolutely bullet-proof @ss-cover if anyone ever comes around asking questions. Just be sure you send the original email and keep multiple copies (at multiple locations) of the response requesting that you get together to discuss the issue in person at an off-site location.

3. Using the information you've barely gleaned, and the brush off you've cleanly pocketed, during the execution of steps 1 and 2, manufacture an incident that trumps both with respect to both immediacy and length-of-engagement. If you have to get to work on something "mission-critical" right away and you might be going at it for days, without sleep, so that your company can hang on to some hope of staunching the flow of imaginary life-blood-cash, your problem should be reassigned soon enough.

IMPORTANT NOTE REGARDING STEP 3: Be sure that your "emergency" requires you to be off-site (i.e. out of the office and, preferably, out of the data center. Shoot for a non-extradition country, if possible) in order to fix it. Maintain communication only via pay-phone. Never turn on your computer or your cell phone. Be sure that everyone understands that they "are" talking to you on your company cell's speaker-phone (even though they aren't) and use a public terminal at the library to occasionally bounce a mail through a VPN connected to your organization's backup network. Make sure you manually edit the headers just enough to make them confusing to a human and completely sensible to a mail agent. If you maintain frequency-silence by leaving your cell phone and computer off, you can avoid suspicion to a better degree. Even the more paranoid among your masters will be somewhat comforted by the fact that all the systems are bad "and" the GPS devices they've weighed you down with aren't indicating where in the world you are. If you own a car, take a bus. You probably have Tom-Tom in there or some form of LoJack. If at all possible, find a place in the mountains (near a National Park or Wildlife Preserve) to do your heavy troubleshooting, live off of berries and kill your own food. If you're reasonably intelligent, after a week or so, you'll never want to come back.

That being said, given Solaris' and RedHat's solid track records, I think you'll find that, utilizing a proper steam-powered vacuum cleaner, you can make almost any stain look worse. If you do nothing else for the rest of your life, constantly berate yourself for buying white carpets. And don't go easy on your self. Be really mean. You deserve every moment of the grief you're going to endure. What were you thinking? That'll teach you to use Linux, when Unix is a perfectly acceptable alternative OS that is also entirely biodegradable, so you can feel superior while you're busy raping and pillaging the environment in some other way.

It goes without saying that...

, Mike