Sunday Unix/Linux Jokes - A Fair Match

Hey there,

As yesterday's post on Unix and Linux Laughs showed to a lesser degree, a good majority of Linux and Unix jokes, if you run them through the proper sieve, rely on MS bashing. And the opposite is also true for Windows jokes.

While I feel that the degradation of one OS (or person, or race, or culture or species) isn't necessarily comic gold, it can be funny. As long as it's funny :) If any of you have ever seen Eddie Murphy's old (I'm dating myself, here ;) movie "Raw," you are familiar with the argument. Although Eddie was addressing the relationship of curse-words with humor, I thought he stated the point quite eloquently (although I can't post it here without using a lot of pound signs - the uncensored version can be found at imdb.com):

Now I can't have no 'curse' show, I mean I gotta throw in a few jokes in between the curses, I can't come out and go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, m####rf#####r, d##k, p###y, snot, and sh#t. Good night! Suck my d##k!"

The point, of course, being that a curse-only show wouldn't be funny. And I see the same thing a lot when I'm looking for Linux and Unix humor (or any humor, for that matter). About 25% of it is funny and the rest are the same warmed-over jokes that could be applied to anyone or anything you dislike. Still, not funny is not funny. Our senses of humor may vary but a statement like:

Windows is lame

wouldn't make any of us laugh. Unless the comedian delivering that line had "incredible" timing ;)

With that in mind, I'm putting content on this page from The University of Wisconsin which gives an equal jovial thrashing to Linux/Unix and Windows.

Some of it's funny, some of it's not. Either way, if MS-bashing or Linux/Unix-bashing turn you off completely, just read the other section :)

Also, please note that (since we're posting this stuff just to make the weekends more fun) every effort is made to give proper attribution where we can find it. The page from which we pulled this material states:

Note: not original, taken from various posts to mail-lists/news-groups and public documents on the net (some of them are also sligthtly modified to fit better).

And then I fixed a lot of typos, adding one more layer of abstraction to the attribution puzzle. Sorry; I'm compulsively drawn to correct improper spelling when I proof my posts. If I notice, at least ;)

In any event, Enjoy! And, just for fun, see how many of these jokes you can make fit into the opposite category in which they're placed ;)

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Anti MS-Windows jokes:

MicroSoft is not the answer, MicroSoft is the question, the answer is no.

Why does the DOS version of a program always run faster on a 2 MB 16 MHz 386SX than the Windows version on a 8 MB 66 MHz 486DX2?

Is MicroSoft a new toilet paper or what?

The PC has created anarchy. Hardware and software have been thrown together in random configurations at the whim of any employee with access to an expense voucher and a computer catalogue. The result has been a financial and administrative nightmare for corporations.

640K ought to be enough for anybody said Bill Gates in 1981.

I wonder how much the harddisk and RAM producers pay the Windows developers to write such resource-demanding programs.

Question: How many Microsoft engineers do you need to replace a broken light-bulb?
Answer: None, Microsoft will standardize the darkness in such cases!

Windows-95 makes Unix look like an operating system !

Competition of writing books about elephants:
IBM: Big blue elephant.
Novell: Linking elephants.
Microsoft: Why you must buy Windows 95.

PnP = Plug Not Play

PnP = Plug aNd Phone

PnP = Plus aNd Pray

1995: DOS is dead. Bill.
1998: Bill is dead. DOS.

1995: DOS is dead. Bill.
1998: C:\>copy con prn
Bill is dead.
^Z

Question:What is the difference between Windows and an apple ?
Answer:Apples only fall down once a year.

NT = Not Today

If MicroSoft would sell cars:
the model of a given year would be available one year later
you have to buy a new car, if any traffic signs change
your car would stop sometimes and for some reason you think this is normal
you can only drive in your car alone except if you have a Car95 or a CarNT
there would be no controls for oil, gas or breaks - only a "unknown error" light
people would be fascinated by all these new features in car95 like doors and gearboxes
they will have to use MicroSoft gas

Windows = cheap Mac clone

An Intel PC has four protections modes: Abort, Retry, Fail and Reboot

Windows 95: 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

NT is not enterprise ready until MS is willing to support it.

Bill Gates: If GM (General Motors) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty five dollar cars that got 1000 miles/gallon.
General Motors: Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?

error #123: This system has been running Windows for more than 6 hours without an error. Something must be wrong! Please reboot!

MS Windows - the 3270 of the 21st century.

In a world without walls and fences - who needs windows and gates ?

"The obvious mathematical breakthrough would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers" [Bill Gates, The Road Ahead, p.265]

GM vs MS
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

NT = New Teflon (Wall Street alone are reported to have thrown over 100 million dollars down the drain on failed NT projects, but nothing sticks ...)

Question: Who said the name Microsoft and when ?
Answer: Bill Gates wife at their wedding night !

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Anti UNIX jokes:

If Unix is the answer, then it must have been a stupid question.

Unix is the only virus with a command-interface.

How can an operating system from 1970 (UNIX) be more modern than an operating system from 1978 (VMS)?

Unix - the first computer virus.

NFS = Nightmare File System.

Berkeley is famous for LSD and BSD UNIX. I don't think that is a coincidence.

Sure, the Unix file system corrupts your files, but look how fast it is!

Friends don't let friends use Unix.

Unix - the ideal operating system for CPU's that are never powered up.

Nothing wrong with Unix that a total redesign and rewrite can not fix.

UNIX will be preempted by NT. UNIX doesn't know it yet - it won't notice until it's too late, because UNIX is the Yugoslavia of software, at war with itself -- but it's all over.

The users of Unix systems said speed wasn't an issue when the Alpha chip was released. The same people tell their wives and girlfriends that size doesn't matter.

If Unix were a beer, then it would be shipped in open casks so that anybody could p### in it before delivery.

UNIX is user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are.

UNIX is akin to a religion to some. If things aren't done like they are in UNIX, then they must be bad. Sorry, I don't believe in this religion.

UNIX is a four-letter word!

VI = Virtually Incomprehensible.

Unix is about as user friendly as a blow in the back from an ice-pick, only not quite as productive.

What has happened, when a system-manager gets gray-haired in one day ? One day with a UNIX system !

How do you pronounce UNIX ? You Nix !

The sad thing about UNIX is that no matter how many times you hit yourself over the head with it, you never quite manage to completely lose consciousness.

Cretin and UNIX both start with C.

The scariest thing about Jurassic Park was that the control systems were Unix.

I used to do VMS, now I do Unix - it's a living.

Why is using a UNIX system like being an Eunuch? Everytime you go to do something important, you realize something critical is missing.

Why aren't there many female unix users? They don't think about to ask a man for help!

UNIX programmers are like witch doctors. They think they have to be covered with scars to show how powerful they are.

UNIX on Alpha ? Why run a 2-bit operating system on 64-bit hardware ?

UNIX and NT were talking about security and reliability. After some time they concluded, that they would like to be like VMS, when they grow up.

NFS = Not Fully Serviceable.

NFS = No File Security.

, Mike

More Funny Pictorial Linux And Unix Humor

Happy Saturday to you!

The holidays are looming larger every day now and, I don't know about you, but it's giving me a migraine. Lots of stress and craziness, mostly surrounding who's getting what for whom and constantly wondering if they're overdoing it or not doing enough. This is why, a long long time ago, when I was around 8 or 9 years old, I put a cash-only policy in place and let everyone in the extended family know about it. It's a simple way for me to get past all the holiday worrying about whether I'm going to get underwear, clothes or something else I might "need." To me, the holidays aren't just about giving. They're about giving things to people that they don't "need" (food) but just "want" (20 gallon drum of peanut butter ;)

It works out great for everyone else, too, because they always know that they're getting me exactly what I want. If they ever doubt that what they're giving isn't enough, the fix is simple: just include a little extra cash to go with the cash they're already getting me. If they ever fear that they may be giving me too much, my policy includes a "no such thing" clause, under which "too much" is specifically listed ;)

In any event, I hope your holidays, and the festivities that accompany them, are going well for you. This week's Saturday humor is, yet again, from the folks over at LinuxScrew.com. A few more pictures that should make you laugh-on-the-inside at worst ;) You can, of course, check out the page in its original context at LinuxScrew's Official Weekly Humor Page. Although the material here hasn't been altered (just the formatting), you should stop by there and check out their Linux and Unix humor archives. It's not "all" funny, but the stuff that doesn't make you laugh will make the stuff that does make you laugh seem even funnier! :)

For the record, may favorite picture is the "Russian Linux" mascot ;)

Enjoy and Cheers,

---

Firefox 4.0

 

 

GNU/Beer

 

 

Russian Linux

 

 

Linus Torvalds’ toaster (runs Linux)

---

, Mike

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More Unix and Linux Humor - Know Your SysAdmin

Hey There,

Someone once said (and then a million people, like myself, have been repeating it ever since ;) that laughter is the best medicine. After this week of crazy debate on this blog, I think a little humor is called for. I've got tons of it on my computer and I'm always surprised at the places I find old stuff that I figured wouldn't even be available online anymore. Last weekend's posts on humorous error messages and command line humor seemed to be well received. Check them out if you haven't yet, and are still up for a good laugh after reading this :)

Today's humor post, which is just as relevant to Unix as it is to Linux, is the SysAdmin Guide from gnu.org, where they, actually, have a whole treasure chest of humor I wasn't aware of. I guess I got too involved in the work aspect and never saw this before. Check out the rest of the Gnu Humor Section for tons of funny stuff. I can't speak for the hilarity of it all, but I thought this was pretty funny. It was originally (according to my copy from 1998 or 99) written by Stephan Zielinski, and submitted to GNU by Durval Menezes. Neither's email is listed on the page, so I won't list them here either.

Concerning the ending of this article, I now vote for Mickey Mouse since Frank is, sadly, no longer with us and Jello Biafra seems to have lost interest (or maybe I'm just getting older... ;)

Enjoy, and have a great weekend :)

, Mike

------------------------------

Know your System Administrator
(a field guide)

There are four major species of Unix sysad:

1.The TECHNICAL THUG. Usually a systems programmer who has been forced into system administration; writes scripts in a polyglot of the Bourne shell, sed, C, awk, perl, and APL.

2.The ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST. Usually a retentive drone (or rarely, a harridan ex-secretary) who has been forced into system administration.

3.The MANIAC. Usually an aging cracker who discovered that neither the Mossad nor Cuba are willing to pay a living wage for computer espionage. Fell into system administration; occasionally approaches major competitors with indesp schemes.

4.The IDIOT. Usually a cretin, morpohodite, or old COBOL programmer selected to be the system administrator by a committee of cretins, morphodites, and old COBOL programmers.

HOW TO IDENTIFY YOUR SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR:

SITUATION:
Low disk space.

TECHNICAL THUG:
Writes a suite of scripts to monitor disk usage, maintain a database of historic disk usage, predict future disk usage via least squares regression analysis, identify users who are more than a standard deviation over the mean, and send mail to the offending parties. Places script in cron. Disk usage does not change, since disk-hogs, by nature, either ignore script-generated mail, or file it away in triplicate.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Puts disk usage policy in motd. Uses disk quotas. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work. Locks accounts that go over quota.

MANIAC:
# cd /home # rm -rf `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`;

IDIOT:
# cd /home # cat `du -s * | sort -rn | head -1 | awk '{ printf "%s/*\n", $2}'` | compress

SITUATION:
Excessive CPU usage

TECHNICAL THUG:
Writes a suite of scripts to monitor processes, maintain a database of CPU usage, identify processes more than a standard deviation over the norm, and renice offending processes. Places script in cron. Ends up renicing the production database into oblivion, bringing operations to a grinding halt, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Puts CPU usage policy in motd. Uses CPU quotas. Locks accounts that go over quota. Allows no exceptions, thus crippling development work, much to the delight of the xtrek freaks.

MANIAC:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`

IDIOT:
# compress -f `ps -augxww | sort -rn +8 -9 | head -1 | awk '{print $2}'`

SITUATION:
New account creation.

TECHNICAL THUG:
Writes perl script that creates home directory, copies in incomprehensible default environment, and places entries in /etc/passwd, /etc/shadow, and /etc/group. (By hand, NOT with passmgmt.) Slaps on setuid bit; tells a nearby secretary to handle new accounts. Usually, said secretary is still dithering over the difference between 'enter' and 'return'; and so, no new accounts are ever created.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Puts new account policy in motd. Since people without accounts cannot read the motd, nobody ever fulfills the bureaucratic requirements; and so, no new accounts are ever created.

MANIAC:
"If you're too stupid to break in and create your own account, I don't want you on the system. We've got too many goddamn sh*t-for-brains a**holes on this box anyway."

IDIOT:
# cd /home; mkdir "Bob's home directory" # echo "Bob Simon:gandalf:0:0::/dev/tty:compress -f" > /etc/passwd

SITUATION:
Root disk fails

TECHNICAL THUG:
Repairs drive. Usually is able to repair filesystem from boot monitor. Failing that, front-panel toggles microkernel in and starts script on neighboring machine to load binary boot code into broken machine, reformat and reinstall OS. Lets it run over the weekend while he goes mountain climbing.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Begins investigation to determine who broke the drive. Refuses to fix system until culprit is identified and charged for the equipment.

MANIAC, LARGE SYSTEM:
Rips drive from system, uses sledgehammer to smash same to flinders. Calls manufacturer, threatens pets. Abuses field engineer while they put in a new drive and reinstall the OS.

MANIAC, SMALL SYSTEM:
Rips drive from system, uses ball-peen hammer to smash same to flinders. Calls Requisitions, threatens pets. Abuses bystanders while putting in new drive and reinstalling OS.

IDIOT:
Doesn't notice anything wrong.

SITUATION:
Poor network response.

TECHNICAL THUG:
Writes scripts to monitor network, then rewires entire machine room, improving response time by 2%. Shrugs shoulders, says, "I've done all I can do," and goes mountain climbing.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Puts network usage policy in motd. Calls up Berkeley and AT&T, badgers whoever answers for network quotas. Tries to get xtrek freaks fired.

MANIAC:
Every two hours, pulls ethernet cable from wall and waits for connections to time out.

IDIOT:
# compress -f /dev/en0

SITUATION:
User questions

TECHNICAL THUG:
Hacks the code of emacs' doctor-mode to answer new users questions. Doesn't bother to tell people how to start the new "guru-mode", or for that matter, emacs.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Puts user support policy in motd. Maintains queue of questions. Answers them when he gets a chance, often within two weeks of receipt of the proper form.

MANIAC:
Screams at users until they go away. Sometimes barters knowledge for powerful drink and/or sycophantic adulation.

IDIOT:
Answers all questions to best of his knowledge until the user realizes few Unix systems support punched cards or JCL.

SITUATION:
Stupid user questions

TECHNICAL THUG:
Answers question in hex, binary, postfix, and/or French until user gives up and goes away.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Locks user's account until user can present documentation demonstrating their qualification to use the machine.

MANIAC:
# cat > > ~luser/.cshrc alias vi 'rm \!*;unalias vi;grep -v BoZo ~/.cshrc > ~/.z; mv -f ~/.z ~/.cshrc' ^D

IDIOT:
Answers all questions to best of his knowledge. Recruits user to system administration team.

SITUATION:
Process accounting management

TECHNICAL THUG:
Ignores packaged accounting software; trusts scripts to sniff out any problems & compute charges.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Devotes 75% of disk space to accounting records owned by root and chmod'ed 000.

MANIAC:
Laughs fool head off at very mention of accounting.

IDIOT:
# lpr /etc/wtmp /usr/adm/paact

SITUATION:
Religious war, BSD vs. System V

TECHNICAL THUG:
BSD. Crippled on System V boxes.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
System V. Horrified by the people who use BSD. Places frequent calls to DEA.

MANIAC:
Prefers BSD, but doesn't care as long as HIS processes run quickly.

IDIOT:
# cd c:

SITUATION:
Religious war, System V vs. AIX

TECHNICAL THUG:
Weeps.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
AIX-- doesn't much care for the OS, but loves the jackboots.

MANIAC:
System V, but keeps AIX skills up, knowing full well how much Big Financial Institutions love IBM...

IDIOT:
AIX.

SITUATION:
Balky printer daemons.

TECHNICAL THUG:
Rewrites lpd in FORTH.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Puts printer use policy in motd. Calls customer support every time the printer freezes. Tries to get user who submitted the most recent job fired.

MANIAC:
Writes script that kills all the daemons, clears all the print queues, and maybe restarts the daemons. Runs it once a hour from cron.

IDIOT:
# kill -9 /dev/lp ; /dev/lp &

SITUATION:
OS upgrade

TECHNICAL THUG:
Reads source code of new release, takes only what he likes.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Instigates lawsuit against the vendor for having shipped a product with bugs in it in the first place.

MANIAC:
# uptime 1:33pm up 19 days, 22:49, 167 users, load average: 6.49, 6.45, 6.31 # wall Well, it's upgrade time. Should take a few hours. And good luck on that 5:00 deadline, guys! We're all pulling for you! ^D

IDIOT:
# dd if=/dev/rmt8 of=/vmunix

SITUATION:
Balky mail

TECHNICAL THUG:
Rewrites sendmail.cf from scratch. Rewrites sendmail in SNOBOL. Hacks kernel to implement file locking. Hacks kernel to implement "better" semaphores. Rewrites sendmail in assembly. Hacks kernel to . . .

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Puts mail use policy in motd. Locks accounts that go over mail use quota. Keeps quota low enough that people go back to interoffice mail, thus solving problem.

MANIAC:
# kill -9 `ps -augxww | grep sendmail | awk '{print $2}'` # rm -f /usr/spool/mail/* # wall Mail is down. Please use interoffice mail until we have it back up. ^D # write max I've got my boots and backpack. Ready to leave for Mount Tam? ^D

IDIOT:
# echo "HELP!" | mail tech_support.AT.vendor.com%kremvax%bitnet!BIFF!!!

SITUATION:
Users want phone list application

TECHNICAL THUG:
Writes RDBMS in perl and Smalltalk. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Oracle. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.

MANIAC:
Tells the users to use flat files and grep, the way God meant man to keep track of phone numbers. Users give up and go back to post-it notes.

IDIOT:
% dd ibs=80 if=/dev/rdisk001s7 | grep "Fred"

OTHER GUIDELINES

TYPICAL ROOT
.cshrc FILE:

TECHNICAL THUG:
Longer than eight kilobytes. Sources the output of a perl script, rewrites itself.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Typical lines include: umask 777 alias cd 'cd \!*; rm -rf ching *hack mille omega rogue xtrek > /dev/null &'

MANIAC:
Typical lines include: alias rm 'rm -rf \!*' alias hose kill -9 '`ps -augxww | grep \!* | awk \'{print $2}\'`' alias kill 'kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!* ; kill -9 \!*' alias renice 'echo Renice\? You must mean kill -9.; kill -9 \!*'

IDIOT:
Typical lines include: alias dir ls alias era rm alias kitty cat alias process_table ps setenv DISPLAY vt100

HOBBIES, TECHNICAL:

TECHNICAL THUG:
Writes entries for Obsfuscated C contest. Optimizes INTERCAL scripts. Maintains ENIAC emulator. Virtual reality .

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Bugs office. Audits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Listens to police band.

MANIAC:
Volunteers at Survival Research Labs. Bugs office. Edits card-key logs. Modifies old TVs to listen in on cellular phone conversations. Jams police band.

IDIOT:
Ties shoes. Maintains COBOL decimal to roman numeral converter. Rereads flowcharts from his salad days at Rand.

HOBBIES, NONTECHNICAL:

TECHNICAL THUG:
Drinks "Smart Drinks." Attends raves. Hangs out at poetry readings and Whole Earth Review events and tries to pick up Birkenstock MOTAS.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Reads Readers Digest and Mein Kampf. Sometimes turns up car radio and sings along to John Denver. Golfs. Drinks gin martinis. Hangs out in yuppie bars and tries to pick up dominatrixes.

MANIAC:
Reads Utne Reader and Mein Kampf. Faithfully attends Dickies and Ramones concerts. Punches out people who say "virtual reality." Drinks damn near anything, but favors Wild Turkey, Black Bush, and grain alcohol. Hangs out in neighborhood bars and tries to pick up MOTAS by drinking longshoremen under the table .

IDIOT:
Reads Time and Newsweek -- and *believes* them. Drinks Jagermeister. Tries to pick up close blood relations-- often succeeds, producting next generation of idiots.

1992 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:

TECHNICAL THUG:
Clinton, but only because he liked Gore's book.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Bush. Possibly Clinton, but only because he liked Tipper.

MANIAC:
Frank Zappa.

IDIOT:
Perot.

1996 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION:

TECHNICAL THUG:
Richard Stallman - Larry Wall.

ADMINISTRATIVE FASCIST:
Nixon - Buchanan.

MANIAC:
Frank Zappa.

IDIOT:
Quayle.

COMPOUND SYSTEM ADMINISTRATORS:

TECHNICAL FASCIST:

Hacks kernel & writes a horde of scripts to prevent folk from ever using more than their fair share of system resources. Resulting overhead and load brings system to its knees.

TECHNICAL MANIAC:
Writes scripts that SEEM to be monitoring the system, but are actually encrypting large lists of passwords. Uses nearby nodes as beta test sites for worms.

TECHNICAL IDIOT:
Writes superuser-run scripts that sooner or later do an "rm -rf /".

FASCISTIC MANIAC:
At first hint of cracker incursions, whether real or imagined, shuts down system by triggering water-on-the-brain detectors and Halon system.

FASCISTIC IDIOT:
# cp /dev/null /etc/passwd

MANIACAL IDIOT:
Napalms the CPU

Unix and Linux Humor: RTFM Man Page

Hey there,

As I prepare for another fun-filled weekend of taking over-the-counter stimulants (to enhance the effects of the caffeine and nicotine already in my system ;) and working from 8am until 4 in the morning the next day, I thought I'd go out and find some more funny stuff on the net.

Today, I happened upon jaegers.net's Unix and Linux humor page, which is packed with goodies. Go check it out. They've got everything from a few fake man pages you may not have seen yet (I opted not to go with the Knife man page, although I liked the description of the Sysadmin Network Interrupt Protocol (SNIP) ;) to jokes and even pictures that don't require words to understand. And that's just part of the site. I'll be checking more of it out later, since they have multiple humor sections and I like to laugh at anything funny (no matter who's feeling's get hurt; even if they're my own ;)

Enjoy this man-page-usage man page. Read The Fine Manual, I believe it stands for. Or some fuckin' thing like that ;)

Cheers,

The man page below can be found, in its original context, online at jaegers.net

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rtfm(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual rtfm(1)

NAME

rtfm - read the fucking manual

SYNOPSIS

rtfm

OPTIONS

None, you have to read the manual for an answer.

DESCRIPTION

Used when lazy people ask stupid questions. Normaly cried out in vain.

FILES

/dev/null

ENVIRONMENT

Any.

SEE ALSO

man(1)

DIAGNOSTICS

Is an diagnostic. Since you are reading this you are getting the idea.

BUGS

Ha!

---

, Mike

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Linux and Unix Open Source Small Business Humor

Howdy Once again and we hope you're having a wonderful weekend.

To start it off, we're going back to the well for some of the simple stuff. Although this blog has built a sterling reputation as an online sheltered-community where Linux and Unix aficionados of all skill levels can come and read hundreds of words on a single web page (and not interact with each other at all), we haven't lost touch with our inner children. We're pretty sure they're still at summer camp ;)

And, hey, as much as we hate to stick it to MS (since, let's face it, it's been done to death), every once in a while the well comes up wet (??) That didn't sound right ...or read well ...or ...something. Basically, we found some funny MS bashing humor over at OpenSource Solutions For Small Business in a post they did on a few very good reasons you should get out there RIGHT NOW and buy MS Office 2007 ;) Stop by there, check the site out and enjoy it as much as possible. They actually provide a service that one-up's MS, but that's why the humor works.

Happy Saturday, again. And, if you've got your calendars handy, be sure to make note that "Don't Forget To Not Be Unkind To Animals Week" (or some other equally confusing memorial date range ;) is just around the corner!

Cheers,

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Top 10 reasons why you should buy Office 2007

Monday, June 16th, 2008

1. You want to make sure nobody will be able to read your documents in 10 years


2. You want to help your buddy who works for Microsoft have enough income to buy a private island in the Caribbean, because maybe he would invite you to come for a weekend


3. You feel sorry for the PC on the Mac commercials


4. Your buddy is buying it for you from the Microsoft company store, so you’re actually saving hundreds of dollars! You can’t get those types of deals on free software.


5. You hope that the extra emails it takes between you and your customers, partners, and vendors to get formats that they can open will improve your relationship with them


6. Having the newest software from Microsoft makes you cool


7. You want to extend Microsoft’s monopoly on the desktop, it’s just easier that way


8. You have a big technology budget, and can’t think of any better way to spend those dollars


9. You already spent the money on it, may as well force others to pay their Microsoft tax, too


10. You’re a big fan of Survivor, and like being dropped into an unfamiliar environment and having to figure out all over again how to do the things you need to survive


11. (Bonus!) You don’t know a better solution exists

---

, Mike

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Weekend Unix and Linux Video Humor - Internet Sysop

Hey There,

Yesterday's video humor entry was fairly well received, so I figured I'd put out the only other one I've kept track of, today. Of course, I take no credit for the material I'm presenting (as I didn't take any credit for yesterday's video). I try to do as much as I can to attribute the funny stuff I find for the weekends to the correct people and or corporations. Everyone deserves credit for their work, so I try to make sure that they (whomever they may be) get their propers. The only thing I take credit for, in these humor posts, is for writing the convoluted and confusing copy that precedes and/or follows the best parts ;) I've only actually miscredited one source so far (that I know of) and changed my post accordingly once I was notified. As always, if you notice that something posted on this blog is incorrect, needs proper attribution or disagrees with your stomach, please email the blog using the "Send me a comment" link at the top right of every post (and at the bottom of most).

Today's submission is somewhat of an oldie, too. I saw this a long time ago, I think before I even started this blog and it has just recently come back into my sphere of attention. Since it's not only an oldie, but also a goodie, I thought those of you who've never seen it before might get a kick out of it.

The original source of the video (in-lined below) can be found at the "Something Awful" web site. Check out the entire site for even more potential laughs :) If you do find something truly awful over there, be sure to direct all disparaging remarks to them, but please let me know about it so I can enjoy it (...I mean, check it out) myself ;)

For your viewing, and listening pleasure, the illustrated music-video stylings of the Internet Sysop

Cheers,

IMPORTANT NOTE: If offensive language offends you, please do not click on the white triangle inside the embedded video. If you're prepared to be offended... click away :)



, Mike

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XKCD - Linux, Unix And Other Funny Cartoons

Hey there,

Hope your Saturday is going okay and that you're reading this in the evening or late afternoon (since, if you're like me, that's breakfast time ;) To start off this week's Linux and Unix humor section, I went looking around all 4 corners of the earth for something that made me laugh (at the very least, on the inside ;) and I ran back over a site that I'd actually used one cartoon from in a previous humor post. The site's name is XKCD and, after spending a while browsing through the tons of content on the site, I found that I liked way too many of the cartoons to include them all here. As some of you may have noticed, I have a tendency to try and include as much material as possible on my local page (with proper attribution to the content's creator and a link back to their site). This backfired on me last weekend when it made my RSS feed grow past the Google boundary and I had to muck around with that and start limiting the number of items to keep it alive (That's just for now. As soon as last weekend's humor posts fall off naturally, I'll be removing the size restriction so that the feed includes as much back-content as possible).

Anyway, I hope you enjoy the following comics. Some have to do with Linux and Unix, others have to do with computing concepts and still others have to do with... I have no idea ;) I have no problem admitting when I don't get a joke. It's actually really easy to tell because I don't even fake a laugh like I do for the bad ones that I understand but don't find amusing.

Have a safe Saturday, and we'll see you tomorrow with more "yuks" from the web that just happens to be as wide as the world ;)

Cheers,

---

Please click on any of the below images if you have trouble reading them. The increase in the laugh-factor should be commensurate with the relative picture growth :)

---

---

, Mike

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500 Unix/Linux Posts And Still Limping Tall!

Hey There,

Well, as the title of this post suggests (actually, asserts, unless it's toying with us ;) this marks our 500th post. Even though this is a momentous occasion (which most occassions composed of moments are ;) we're sticking to our guns and staying with the lazy (I mean diversified) format of the standard weekend post by showcasing other sites' humor :) It only took us 5 months of not analyzing any statistical data to realize that nobody liked to read about how to use Unix and/or Linux in the workplace on the weekends. That startling revelation led to our weekend-readership growing by about 500% (coincidence? The folks at Time-Life books would beg to disagree ;) If you didn't grow up in the 70's watching endless television commercials about American outlaws (amongst them, a bandit so ornery that he once shot a man just for snoring!) a lot of the in-jokes that litter almost every post like TP may seem like insanity. We assure, however, that (even if you did grow up at the same time we did) your perception is probably correct ;)

For our 500th post (which will, if our calculations are correct, make this our umpteenth weekend humor post), we bring you a message of worship to the ultimate text editor: ED! We found this piece in the Gnu Project's Mail Archives.

Since we'll be moving soon, anyway, we've come to the decision that we will no longer edit out profanity from our featured posts, at the risk of being labeled an "adult" site. This means that you can read the almost-exact-same thing at Gnu.org's page. Most of the stuff we've edited out over time has been fairly tame (in our opinion) anyway. Of course, the logical next steps (according to the Institute for the Preservation of Logical Fallacies ;) for this blog (after letting a "crap" or a "shit" slip through the cracks) are going to be drug humor (done it already) and pornography (haven't technically done it, yet, but just consider that everything is made up of 1's and 0's... Some folks somewhere have to find that entire concept sexually offensive (although statistics show that they're more likely to be offended if you wave a lot of 1's in their faces ;). If you're still single, avoid these people at all costs because - SPOILER ALERT - no matter how hard you try, you're not going to get laid ;).

The concept the whole progression, listed above, relies on is that you're too simple-minded to question authority. For instance, the use of swear words is a gateway to dehumanization and ever-increasing detachment from normal polite society (Which is just fuckin' crazy. Who "are" these meat puppets? ;). The same people who bring you that argument are also responsible for the world-famous "Marijuana is a gateway drug" argument; noting that most crack addicts started out smoking cigarettes and huffing joints. Of course, by that same logic, you could deduce that caffeine (found in coffee and most soft drinks) also leads to crack addiction. I'd bet my paycheck that a lot of those very same addicts started out with an innocent sip of Diet Pepsi or RC Cola. If they'd only known ;) You see what we mean, though, right? The backwards logic doesn't make sense unless you sensationalize it. Even then, it still doesn't make sense, but (if you're good at spinning public paranoia) by the point in time that anyone might come around to questioning the validity of your argument, you've pressed enough hot buttons in enough people to virtually ensure that anyone who has the courage to question you will be sought upon by an angry mob of delusional idiots ;)

As an aside, if you ever read the keyword lists for our weekend posts, do they sound like really poorly transcribed titles to Eastern TV or Movie comedies? (e.g. The happy funny laugh joke time show! ;)

As for keyword stuffing (think: Linux Unix Unix Linux Unix Linux Linux RedHat Solaris Perl Shell Script Perl Linux Unix Perl Shell RedHat SUSE Linux Bash Shell Linux RedHat Unix Linux Linux Linux Perl Unix Shell), we have yet to go there, but we may just give it a shot. This site doesn't really fare well in the SEO game, but that's never been our concern. Or, per our new editorial guidelines, we'd rather Linux write Unix helpful Redhat posts Shell on Unix topics Perl that Unix people Linux might Shell find SUSE useful Linux than Shell Script cow IBM tow Unix to Linux the RedHat arbitrary Linux whims Solaris of Unix whomever Linux is Perl in Unix charge Bash of Perl keeping Linux you Shell up-to-date Ubuntu with Linux what Unix you Shell should Linux enjoy Perl on Unix your Linux own Linux free Unix time :)

Enjoy this 500th post with our compliments (and derogatory gestures ;). It's some funny shit. Don't be afraid to laugh, even if the overt references to drug-induced sexuality and pornographic violence fuck with your head a little ;)

We'll see you at the "you must be 18 years or older" gateway page tomorrow!

Cheers,

---

Ed, man! !man ed

From: patl@athena.mit.edu (Patrick J. LoPresti)
Subject: The True Path (long)
Date: 11 Jul 91 03:17:31 GMT
Newsgroups: alt.religion.emacs,alt.slack

When I log into my Xenix system with my 110 baud teletype, both vi
*and* Emacs are just too damn slow. They print useless messages like,
'C-h for help' and '"foo" File is read only'. So I use the editor
that doesn't waste my VALUABLE time.

Ed, man! !man ed

ED(1) Unix Programmer's Manual ED(1)

NAME
ed - text editor

SYNOPSIS
ed [ - ] [ -x ] [ name ]
DESCRIPTION
Ed is the standard text editor.
---

Computer Scientists love ed, not just because it comes first
alphabetically, but because it's the standard. Everyone else loves ed
because it's ED!

"Ed is the standard text editor."

And ed doesn't waste space on my Timex Sinclair. Just look:

-rwxr-xr-x 1 root 24 Oct 29 1929 /bin/ed
-rwxr-xr-t 4 root 1310720 Jan 1 1970 /usr/ucb/vi
-rwxr-xr-x 1 root 5.89824e37 Oct 22 1990 /usr/bin/emacs

Of course, on the system *I* administrate, vi is symlinked to ed.
Emacs has been replaced by a shell script which 1) Generates a syslog
message at level LOG_EMERG; 2) reduces the user's disk quota by 100K;
and 3) RUNS ED!!!!!!

"Ed is the standard text editor."

Let's look at a typical novice's session with the mighty ed:

golem$ ed

?
help
?
?
?
quit
?
exit
?
bye
?
hello? 
?
eat flaming death
?
^C
?
^C
?
^D
?

---
Note the consistent user interface and error reportage. Ed is
generous enough to flag errors, yet prudent enough not to overwhelm
the novice with verbosity.

"Ed is the standard text editor."

Ed, the greatest WYGIWYG editor of all.

ED IS THE TRUE PATH TO NIRVANA! ED HAS BEEN THE CHOICE OF EDUCATED
AND IGNORANT ALIKE FOR CENTURIES! ED WILL NOT CORRUPT YOUR PRECIOUS
BODILY FLUIDS!! ED IS THE STANDARD TEXT EDITOR! ED MAKES THE SUN
SHINE AND THE BIRDS SING AND THE GRASS GREEN!!

When I use an editor, I don't want eight extra KILOBYTES of worthless
help screens and cursor positioning code! I just want an EDitor!!
Not a "viitor". Not a "emacsitor". Those aren't even WORDS!!!! ED!
ED! ED IS THE STANDARD!!!

TEXT EDITOR.

When IBM, in its ever-present omnipotence, needed to base their
"edlin" on a Unix standard, did they mimic vi? No. Emacs? Surely
you jest. They chose the most karmic editor of all. The standard.

Ed is for those who can *remember* what they are working on. If you
are an idiot, you should use Emacs. If you are an Emacs, you should
not be vi. If you use ED, you are on THE PATH TO REDEMPTION. THE
SO-CALLED "VISUAL" EDITORS HAVE BEEN PLACED HERE BY ED TO TEMPT THE
FAITHLESS. DO NOT GIVE IN!!! THE MIGHTY ED HAS SPOKEN!!!

?

---

, Mike

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Sunday Unix And Linux Humor: Vi, Emacs And The Balloon

Hey there,

Hope you're having (or are about to have) a great Sunday. If you live in the U.S.A., you're probably temporarily disoriented because of daylight savings time. I've never been a fan of the give-one-hour take-on-hour-back system, but it was actually necessary a long long time ago (See the original rationale on Wikipedia's Daylight Savings Time Page - The first paragraph alone is enough to make anyone question why we still practice this tradition). Nowadays it just seems like I'm either waking up too late or too early twice a year ;)

I also seem to have offended a few folks yesterday with my meandering religious-philosophical greeting. By way of explanation, the ending, where I wrote "There's always apathy and, quite frankly, at this point I've stopped giving a shit how your day is going ;)" I was working under the assumption that the winky emoticon (as much as I hate it ;) would be enough to let everyone know (by way of symbolic inflection) that I was just kidding. It wasn't the finest line of "goofy" I've ever written, but everything on that line after the word "apathy" was a direct play on that word's meaning (for which Random House Dictionary's primary definition is: absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement). If that sort of stuff offends you, I apologize in advance. If you continue to read this blog, it'll probably happen again. Sorry :)

Today's Linux/Unix humor comes in two forms. One is a straight up joke and the other is an excerpt from an email back-and-forth regarding the Emacs/Vi aspects of a Learning-Unix book (Harley Hahn's Unix Unbound) that's good for a quick laugh. We picked the balloon joke up at get.a.clue.de and we got the Emacs/Vi bit at www.feep.net. Both sites are worth visiting, if only for the fact that they each contain even more decent quality jokes and funnies.

Enjoy, laugh and be merry. Life is short. ...where does the time go? Oh, yeah; we're saving daylight. Which means, that you've officially read this post one hour earlier than your clock may lead you to believe (unless you're like me and have an old fashioned clock that doesn't adjust automatically, and you're also as lazy as me and you just compensate in your head until DST reverts ;)

Cheers,

---

EMACS AND VI - NO HTML FORMATTING DUE TO LACK OF ENTHUSIASM ;) SOME EMAIL HEADERS REMOVED TO SAVE SPACE.

Subject: Re: The UNIX-Haters' Handbook? (was Re: Who are the most obnoxious computer groupies?)
....

Matthew Crosby wrote:
>In article ,
>Loren Petrich wrote:
>>
>> In my experience, vi is the absolute worst full-screen
>>(character-mode GUI) text editor I have *ever* used.
>> [ and so on in the anti-vi mode ... ]
>
>vi has the fastest, most efficient keybindings around.
> [ and so on in the pro-vi mode ... ]

Harley Hahn's book _Unix Unbound_ (which I recommend, BTW,
to anyone learning Unix) has chapters on vi and emacs. The
vi chapter contains the following paragraph:

HINT: If you are learning vi and you become temporarily
discouraged, take a break and try a little emacs. emacs
will seem so complex and impossible that you will feel a
lot better about using vi.

While the emacs chapter contains this one:

HINT: If you are learning emacs and you become temporarily
discouraged, take a break and try a little vi. vi
will seem so complex and impossible that you will feel a
lot better about using emacs.

Says it all really, doesn't it? :-)

---

UNIX Humor - balloon

---

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is
lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He
lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can
you tell me where I am?" - The man below says: "yes
you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this
field."

"You must work in Information Technology" says the
balloonist. - "I do" replies the man. "How did you know.
" - "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have
told me is technically correct, but it's no use to
anyone."

The man below says "you must work in Management." - "I
do" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" -
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or
where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help
. You're in the same position you were before we met,
but now it's my fault."

, Mike

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Unix - System VI Release Notes - More Linux and Unix Humor

Happy Saturday folks (Or is it still Friday? I'm on call, so nothing about time matters unless it's next week already ;)

For this weekend, I again combed the Internet with a fine-toothed ...hair brush... and found even more funny stuff out there. It never ceases to amaze me that, out of the billions of people alive on this planet, so many have managed to retain their sense of humor :) Meanwhile, I thank my "Deity of the moment" for them, since, as "Reader's Digest" so eloquently put it: "Laughter is the finest off all medicines and will probably end up being the cure for most everything." I'm paraphrasing, of course.

Today's find, astoundingly enough, falls just short of containing every known Unix, Linux and other-OS-related joke on the internet :) Be sure to check out SpeedyGrl's Humor Section for a collection of jokes that almost have to get you to chuckle once or twice. Below I've included a selection, linked from there, about Unix Version VI.

Unix and Linux are now, apparently, going to become more PC... That just sounds wrong, even though I know what it doesn't mean ;)

Enjoy and have a great day :)

---

The following upgrade to UNIX System VI was posted to a Usenet
newsgroup, the original author is unknown to the poster.

Of course sys admins the world over know that Post-Modern Politically-Correct
BSD has already had these features for years.

In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get
rid of its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become
compatible with the existing standards of our day. To this end,
our technicians have come up with a new version of UNIX, System
VI, for use by the PC - that is, the "Politically Correct."

Politically Correct UNIX: System VI Release Notes

UTILITIES

1. "man" pages are now called "person" pages.
   
   
2. Similarly, "hangman" is now the "person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime".
   
3. To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat"
   command is now merely "domestic_quadruped".
   
4. To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes"
   - reflecting the male belief that women always mean yes, even
   when they say no. To address this imbalance, System VI adds a
   "no" command, along with a "-f[orce]" option
   which will crash the entire system if the "no" is ignored.
   
5. The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it
   has been replaced by the more neutral "gender" command.
   
6. The "touch" command has been removed from the standard
   distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
   
7. "compress" has been replaced by the lightweight
   "feather" command. Thus, old information (such as that
   from Dead White European Males) should be archived via "tar"
   and "feather".
   
8. The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy
   of the Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable
   "less" command.
   
9. The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally
   unfriendly "LaTeX".
   

SHELL COMMANDS

1. To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill"
   command has been renamed "euthanise."
   
2. The "nice" command was historically used by privileged
   users to give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling
   them to be "nice". In System VI, the "sue"
   command is used by unprivileged users to get for themselves the
   rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
   
3. "history" has been completely rewritten, and is
   now called "herstory."
   
4. "quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum
   usage, and will be strictly enforced.
   
5. The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."
   
   

TERMINOLOGY

1. From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately
   referred to as "exploitive capitalist text".
   
2. The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative.
   Such processes will now be known as "spiritual guides."
   
3. There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb"
   and "smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.
   
   
4. Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse
   video") was white on black. This implicitly condoned European
   colonialism, particularly with respect to people of African descent.
   UNIX System VI now uses "regressive video" to refer
   to white on black, while "progressive video" can be
   any color at all over a white background.
   
5. For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands
   of "root" and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have
   instituted a dictatorship of the users. All system administration
   functions will be handled by the People's Committee for Democratically
   Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
   
6. No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to
   be "owned" by users. All files and processes will own
   themselves, and decide how (or whether) to respond to requests
   from users.
   
7. The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17
   Window System.
   
8. And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" -
   for Procreatively Challenged.
   

---

, Mike

---

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---

How Well Does Computer Humor Age? Decade Check.

Hello again,

I lost a bit of sleep last night but am slowly realizing (as I type, which is scary) that it's time to write this week's Sunday (bloody Sunday ;) post.

On this week's humor search, I tripped over this piece of work, copywrite 1998, at berro.com. They host more than antiquated humor there, of course, and in more categories than I had time to fully check out. Lots of good stuff, though :)

At first I was going to let this one go, but when I noticed the copywrite date and checked out some of the fake definitions, it dawned on me that it might be worth posting. Even if some of it isn't funny, or relevant, anymore, it makes for an interest sociological experiment in humor over the ages.

The only downside is, I'll never know "for sure" how many of the people who read this post actually remember having to choose between VHS and BetaMax at the video rental store. Hell, in 10 years, many people may not even remember the VHS video tape, much less the "store" ;)

Kind of sad, actually. Hopefully, in 10 years, people will still be leaving their houses every once in a while. You can meet lots of interesting people just by going out to buy a bag of potato chips. You can meet a lot of psycho's, too. And, of course, it's always hard to tell if people are really who they say they are and somewhat difficult to judge the veracity of any of their statements, based solely on their say-so. It's kind of like meeting people online, except you don't have to ask what they look like or what they're wearing ;) ...that last joke was a little perverse. If you're too young to understand it, I apologize :)

Enjoy the trip down memory lane :)

---

Geek Office Slang: New Office Slang Incorporating Geek
Language

404: Someone who is clueless. From the Web error message, "404
Not Found," which means the document requested couldn't be located. "Don't
bother asking John. He's 404."

Adminisphere: The rarified organizational layers above the
rank and file that makes decisions that are often profoundly inappropriate or
irrelevant.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient
person in an office or work group. "I dunno, ask Rick. He's our alpha geek."

Assmosis: Remember "Osmosis" The process by which some people
seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than
working hard.

Batmobiling: putting up emotional shields. Refers to the
retracting armor that covers the Batmobile as in "she started talking marriage
and he started batmobiling"

Beepilepsy: The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when
their beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical
spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid- sentence.

Betamaxed: When a technology is overtaken in the market by
inferior but better marketed competition as in "Microsoft betamaxed Apple right
out of the market"

Blamestorming: A group discussion of why a deadline was missed
or a project failed and who was responsible.

Blowing Your Buffer: Losing one's train of thought. Occurs
when the person you are speaking with won't let you get a word in edgewise or
has just said something so astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I
just blew my buffer!" (Synonym: "Head Crash")

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who
look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Bookmark: To take note of a person for future reference.
"After seeing his cool demo at Siggraph, I bookmarked him."

Brain Fart: A byproduct of a bloated mind producing
information effortlessly; a burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on
the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?"
Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative connotations.

CGI Joe: A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social
skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce
the employee head count, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Chip Jewelry: Old computers destined to be scrapped or turned
into decoration. "I paid three grand for that Mac and now it's nothing but chip
jewelry."

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, salsa = software. "First we
gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."

CLM (Career Limiting Move)- Used by microserfs to describe an
ill- advised activity. "Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is
a serious CLM."

Cobweb: A WWW site that never changes.

Crapplet: A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet.
"I just wasted 30 minutes downloading that crapplet!"

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a
cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE
DOGGING.....

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Dead Tree Edition: The paper version of a publication
available in both paper and electronic forms.

Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss, as is
Dilbert, the comic strip character. "Damn, I've been dilberted again! The old
man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Dorito Syndrome: The feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction
triggered by addictive substances that lack nutritional content. "I just spent
six hours surfing the Web, and now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."

Egosurfing: Scanning the Net, databases, etc., for one's own
name.

Elvis Year: The peak year of popularity as in "1993 was Barney
the dinosaur's Elvis year"

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of
planning to leave a company or department soon.

Generica: Fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions as in
"we were so lost in generica that I couldn't remember what city it was"

Glazing: Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open; a
popular pastime at conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice
that by the second session half the room was glazing?"

Going Postal: Totally stressed out and losing it like postal
employees who went on shooting rampages

GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people
take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they
are solvent again.

Gray Matter: Older, experienced business people hired by young
entrepreneurial firms trying to appear more professional and established.

Graybar Land: The place you go while you're staring at a
computer that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar
creep across the screen). "That CAD rendering put me in graybar land for like an
hour."

High Dome: Egghead, scientist, PhD

Idea Hamsters: People whose idea generators are always
running.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are
annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials
were a prime example.

It's a Feature: From the old adage, "It's not a bug, it's a
feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant problem you wish to gloss
over.

Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found
on some people's computer keyboards.

Link Rot: The process by which web page's links become
obsolete as the sites they're connected to change or die.

Meatspace: The physical world (as opposed to the virtual) also
"carbon community" "facetime" "F2F" "RL"

Mouse Potato: The online generation's answer to the couch
potato.

Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time during which you
realize you've just made a terrible error.

Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out
of an electronic device to get it to work again.

Perot: To quit unexpectedly. "My cellular phone just
perot'ed."

Plug-and-Play: A new hire who doesn't require training. "That
new guy is totally plug-and-play."

Prairie Dogging: When something loud happens in a cube farm,
causing heads to pop up over the walls trying to see what's going on.

Ribs 'N' Dick: A budget with no fat as in "we've got ribs 'n'
dick and we're supposed to find 20K for memory upgrades"

Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed in the end. "God, today was a total salmon day!"

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise,
****s over everything and then leaves.

Siliwood: The coming convergence of movies, interactive TV and
computers; also "Hollywired"

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and
one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. "Single Income, Two
Children, Oppressive Mortgage"

Square-Headed Spouse: Computer

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew
and talent are ready...what time do we squirt the bird?"

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in
divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who thrives on being stressed-out and
whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been used so much
its magnetic strip is worn away.

Tourists: Those who take training classes just to take a
vacation from their jobs. "There were only three serious students in the class;
the rest were just tourists."

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed
material.

Umfriend: One with whom one has a sexual relationship; as in,
"this is Dale, my...um...friend."

Under Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating an online
service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under
mouse arrest."

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Also: decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand position required to reach
all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re- boot
for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the
Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

WOOFYS: Well Off Older Folks.

World Wide Wait: The real meaning of WWW.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from
one's workplace.

Yuppie Food Coupons: Twenty dollar bills from an ATM

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, Mike

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Linux/Unix Want Ads - Humor That's Sad But True

Hey There,

This Saturday's post is from a pretty interesting site dealing with all things Linux. It goes by the name of reallylinux.com. This piece, that I found on there, interested me because, especially in dubious economic times like we find ourselves in these days, I'm often amazed at the sheer amount of diversity and depth of experience employers seek to acquire for less-than-bottom dollar.

I think I have a fair understanding of the basics of capitalism and a free-market economy, but some folks take it a bit too far. If you need an Oracle expert, a Unix/Linux sysadmin, a Windows administrator, a Cisco network engineer and a technical manager to flesh out your IT staff, you should be writing up more than one work specification ;) Maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps a good segment of our society out there, who aren't pathologically lying train-wrecks, can do it all and are willing to do so for just enough money per paycheck to inch them closer to homelessness ;)

In that spirit, I present this piece. You can find the original version here, plus a few other goodies.

Enjoy and have a safe and happy Saturday :)

Linux Job Want Ads Gone Mad


by Walter V. Koenning, for reallylinux.com humor section.

Perhaps it's a result of the massive
outsourcing of programmer skills? Or maybe it's a response to
ridiculous resumes where recent college graduates tout twenty years
of collective experience. Resumes that include expertise with LISP
and Prolog, and list achievements such as replication of human brain
capacity through neural networks created with spare computer parts
and cottage cheese.

But the result is that Linux related
job ads have started to take on a rather mad style. I've seen a
rash of the most ridiculous want ads for Linux computer engineers.
Is the industry so bad off? Are some recruiters not getting enough
sleep?

Here is an example for you to muse
over:

Wanted C/C++ Programmer with Linux
Experience
Opportunity to work in a large
enterprise environment with significant career growth.
Required skills include 10 years
experience with ANSI/C, C++, TASM or related Assembly experience,
Linux/UNIX kernel development, OOP experience, and at least 7 years
writing device drivers. 

Starting salary $29,000 /yr.

Am I missing something? Is someone
actually paying for recruitment ads like this? This is the kind of
ad that makes me wonder seriously about the software industry.

This is not an isolated case. I've
seen countless ads that offer ridiculous salaries for extremely
difficult work. Writing device drivers is no cup of tea. It's
often a grueling, thankless, taxing job that few are willing to do
even if they can do it.

I've seen similar ads recently on
some of the big technology websites, offering hourly wages for
writing code.

Here are some quotes:

"Hourly $25-$35 based on experience;
Required: C, UNIX, SQL, Java, embedded Linux"

"$45k Required skills: 8 yrs C programming in the Linux or Unix environment"

On another ad,

"Caltech, MIT or Berkeley grads
highly preferred."

No bias at all, really!

They also include "essentials" such
as:

"superior communication skills,
writing skills and ability to work across teams and organizations"

My favorite one:

"possess aptitude to implement code
and manage the team"

Include tech management as a throw in
for software engineering... sure why not!

I've seen management jobs paid as
mid-level tech jobs.

The way the company gets around this is
to advertise it as a "team leader" opportunity. Hey, why not
manage a handful of programmers while writing C code until 2am?
After all, you're expected to live in the office anyway, might as
well get to know the team and write up their annal reviews, work out
vacation scheduling, and address personnel problems so someone else
doesn't have to.

These jobs often have salary listings
so outrageous I have to wonder if someone can possibly reply to them.
When they do include something substantial financially, they often
add a statement like:

"must be willing to work 70+ hrs/wk
and weekends"

If this trend continues, and if people
don't wake up and realize the challenge of finding good code
writers, we may end up having to face ads similar to this:

Wanted:  Demi-god Software Programmer
Capability to write code for any device
including pacemakers, wrist watches and staplers. 

Requires expertise in all languages
invented since Pascal, and preferably including every toolset and
language with a three letter word (OOP, ASM. ARM, iHA, CLI, GSM, ATG,
XML).   

Although advertised as a Linux
programmer job, must be willing to write code for any OS including:
BSD, UNIX, Windows NT, Solaris, Windows CE, Amiga DOS, and VMS VAX.
Must be willing to kiss your family
goodbye and work your life off in an enclosed cubicle.
Must be capable of producing at least
30,000 lines of code per week while ingesting coffee that tastes like
river silt.
Must be willing to take any salary we
post and grovel during the interview for an extra $300 per month,
which will be promptly deducted to pay for the increasing health care
costs.
Must be ready to work immediately, with
or without a computer or chair.  In fact, we prefer BYOC, bring your
own computer.  

Send us your resume ASAP in order for
us to create the longest possible delay in response time.  Contact
Jsmith@jobs4notin.fun

This kind of thing makes me wonder if it might not be a smart idea for me to move overseas!

This brief HUMOR piece should not be construed as factual information, and only contains the jokes and personal experiences of the author at the time of publication. You take this article seriously at your own risk. Linux is a registered trademark of Linus Torvalds. IBM, PC-DOS, and OS/2 are the registered trademarks or trademarks of International Business Machines. Microsoft, Microsoft Service Agreement, Microsoft Windows are trademarks or registered trademarks of Microsoft Corporation both in the United States and Internationally. All other trademarks or registered trademarks in this opinion piece belong to their respective owners.

, Mike

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Linux and Unix Admin Humor - The Web Site Is Down!

Hey There,

This weekend's comedic gold is quite a bit older than I would have thought. I feel like I've missed out, although I'm glad that someone finally mailed this link to me :) This is a simple (although a bit long at around 10 minutes) video that is absolutely hilarious. If you've ever done any kind of computer administration (and maybe if you've been on the other end of this debacle) it's entertaining stuff. The voices have been "chipmunked," but not to protect the innocent/guilty, since there's a cast list during the credits at the end. I'm thinking this thing was probably twice as long and the distorted voices are from a speedup of the entire video. No matter how it plays, this is a killer humor :)

Below is my "ripped" version from the Web Site itself. I'm keeping in line with their no-rip policy by including the credits. They don't mind if their product gets distributed, as long as people like me don't claim to have produced it themselves. That's only fair. I'm sure some work went into this one:



Once, you're done watching, check out The Web Site Is Down, where you can see a much better quality version of this, and goof around a bit. They have one page where you can log on to a fake computer and it gives you no end of wisecracking command line returns.

NOTE: When you find the online Linux box and login (click the "desktop" link at the top right of the main page), be sure to "Reboot it!" 3 times. You'll catch some video and there are a few easter eggs you can find directly from there.

I've also included a link to this mini slowed down version of a part of the video, so you can hear their real voices.

I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did. Have a great Saturday :)

, Mike

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Some Off-Season Linux And Unix Humor

Hey There,

Today's Linux/Unix humor post is a little early in the arriving. It's only March and I found a decent Christmas joke. If I were in advertising, promo'ing Santa Claus in the first quarter would probably be laudable ;)

Hope you enjoy this little joke, which I found over at BOHOL. Of course, this isn't the only joke they've got up there, but it might be the best. Give 'em a look if you need a good pre-pre-pre-pre-pre-holiday laugh ;)

Cheers,

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Similarities Between Santa and Sysadmins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.

2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.

3. Santa seldom answers your mail.

4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."

5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.

6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.

7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.

8. Santa laughs entirely too much.

9. Santa thinks nothing of breaking into your $HOME.

10. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence.

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, Mike

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Too Late For Halloween - Almost Linux/Unix Humor

Hey there,

I'm just sitting here, ready to grab up some more Unix and Linux humor off of the net and thinking what would work great for Halloween. My only problem is, probably, by the time you read this, it won't be Halloween anymore! This is what I get for planning in advance. I've become a victim of my own efficiency and am sitting here like an idiot wondering why I didn't go with a Halloween-themed piece yesterday ;)

The good news is that, even though I've royally screwed up, there's a hilarious video clip (not Linux or Unix related) which almost totally goes with today's unplanned theme of complete confusion and poor planning of relative time :) It's from a great sketch comedy show, called Mr. Show. I actually own all four of the seasons they put out before HBO (in a fit of insanity, I think) cancelled it, and have them on DVD. If you really dig it, you can save some green and pick up All 4 Seasons In One DVD Collection over at amazon.com. In keeping with the theme of this post, I don't have an affiliate account with either site, so I won't make a dime if you do decide to purchase anything ;)

I hope you enjoy this video. It's about a television call in show that pre-tapes its shows one week in advance. I can't watch it without busting a gut. I hope you find it at least half as funny as I do :)

Enjoy, and happy belated Halloween ;)

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, Mike

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