Sunday Unix/Linux Jokes - A Fair Match

Hey there,

As yesterday's post on Unix and Linux Laughs showed to a lesser degree, a good majority of Linux and Unix jokes, if you run them through the proper sieve, rely on MS bashing. And the opposite is also true for Windows jokes.

While I feel that the degradation of one OS (or person, or race, or culture or species) isn't necessarily comic gold, it can be funny. As long as it's funny :) If any of you have ever seen Eddie Murphy's old (I'm dating myself, here ;) movie "Raw," you are familiar with the argument. Although Eddie was addressing the relationship of curse-words with humor, I thought he stated the point quite eloquently (although I can't post it here without using a lot of pound signs - the uncensored version can be found at imdb.com):

Now I can't have no 'curse' show, I mean I gotta throw in a few jokes in between the curses, I can't come out and go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, m####rf#####r, d##k, p###y, snot, and sh#t. Good night! Suck my d##k!"

The point, of course, being that a curse-only show wouldn't be funny. And I see the same thing a lot when I'm looking for Linux and Unix humor (or any humor, for that matter). About 25% of it is funny and the rest are the same warmed-over jokes that could be applied to anyone or anything you dislike. Still, not funny is not funny. Our senses of humor may vary but a statement like:

Windows is lame

wouldn't make any of us laugh. Unless the comedian delivering that line had "incredible" timing ;)

With that in mind, I'm putting content on this page from The University of Wisconsin which gives an equal jovial thrashing to Linux/Unix and Windows.

Some of it's funny, some of it's not. Either way, if MS-bashing or Linux/Unix-bashing turn you off completely, just read the other section :)

Also, please note that (since we're posting this stuff just to make the weekends more fun) every effort is made to give proper attribution where we can find it. The page from which we pulled this material states:

Note: not original, taken from various posts to mail-lists/news-groups and public documents on the net (some of them are also sligthtly modified to fit better).

And then I fixed a lot of typos, adding one more layer of abstraction to the attribution puzzle. Sorry; I'm compulsively drawn to correct improper spelling when I proof my posts. If I notice, at least ;)

In any event, Enjoy! And, just for fun, see how many of these jokes you can make fit into the opposite category in which they're placed ;)

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Anti MS-Windows jokes:

MicroSoft is not the answer, MicroSoft is the question, the answer is no.

Why does the DOS version of a program always run faster on a 2 MB 16 MHz 386SX than the Windows version on a 8 MB 66 MHz 486DX2?

Is MicroSoft a new toilet paper or what?

The PC has created anarchy. Hardware and software have been thrown together in random configurations at the whim of any employee with access to an expense voucher and a computer catalogue. The result has been a financial and administrative nightmare for corporations.

640K ought to be enough for anybody said Bill Gates in 1981.

I wonder how much the harddisk and RAM producers pay the Windows developers to write such resource-demanding programs.

Question: How many Microsoft engineers do you need to replace a broken light-bulb?
Answer: None, Microsoft will standardize the darkness in such cases!

Windows-95 makes Unix look like an operating system !

Competition of writing books about elephants:
IBM: Big blue elephant.
Novell: Linking elephants.
Microsoft: Why you must buy Windows 95.

PnP = Plug Not Play

PnP = Plug aNd Phone

PnP = Plus aNd Pray

1995: DOS is dead. Bill.
1998: Bill is dead. DOS.

1995: DOS is dead. Bill.
1998: C:\>copy con prn
Bill is dead.
^Z

Question:What is the difference between Windows and an apple ?
Answer:Apples only fall down once a year.

NT = Not Today

If MicroSoft would sell cars:
the model of a given year would be available one year later
you have to buy a new car, if any traffic signs change
your car would stop sometimes and for some reason you think this is normal
you can only drive in your car alone except if you have a Car95 or a CarNT
there would be no controls for oil, gas or breaks - only a "unknown error" light
people would be fascinated by all these new features in car95 like doors and gearboxes
they will have to use MicroSoft gas

Windows = cheap Mac clone

An Intel PC has four protections modes: Abort, Retry, Fail and Reboot

Windows 95: 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.

NT is not enterprise ready until MS is willing to support it.

Bill Gates: If GM (General Motors) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty five dollar cars that got 1000 miles/gallon.
General Motors: Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?

error #123: This system has been running Windows for more than 6 hours without an error. Something must be wrong! Please reboot!

MS Windows - the 3270 of the 21st century.

In a world without walls and fences - who needs windows and gates ?

"The obvious mathematical breakthrough would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers" [Bill Gates, The Road Ahead, p.265]

GM vs MS
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they painted new lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
GM would also require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

NT = New Teflon (Wall Street alone are reported to have thrown over 100 million dollars down the drain on failed NT projects, but nothing sticks ...)

Question: Who said the name Microsoft and when ?
Answer: Bill Gates wife at their wedding night !

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Anti UNIX jokes:

If Unix is the answer, then it must have been a stupid question.

Unix is the only virus with a command-interface.

How can an operating system from 1970 (UNIX) be more modern than an operating system from 1978 (VMS)?

Unix - the first computer virus.

NFS = Nightmare File System.

Berkeley is famous for LSD and BSD UNIX. I don't think that is a coincidence.

Sure, the Unix file system corrupts your files, but look how fast it is!

Friends don't let friends use Unix.

Unix - the ideal operating system for CPU's that are never powered up.

Nothing wrong with Unix that a total redesign and rewrite can not fix.

UNIX will be preempted by NT. UNIX doesn't know it yet - it won't notice until it's too late, because UNIX is the Yugoslavia of software, at war with itself -- but it's all over.

The users of Unix systems said speed wasn't an issue when the Alpha chip was released. The same people tell their wives and girlfriends that size doesn't matter.

If Unix were a beer, then it would be shipped in open casks so that anybody could p### in it before delivery.

UNIX is user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are.

UNIX is akin to a religion to some. If things aren't done like they are in UNIX, then they must be bad. Sorry, I don't believe in this religion.

UNIX is a four-letter word!

VI = Virtually Incomprehensible.

Unix is about as user friendly as a blow in the back from an ice-pick, only not quite as productive.

What has happened, when a system-manager gets gray-haired in one day ? One day with a UNIX system !

How do you pronounce UNIX ? You Nix !

The sad thing about UNIX is that no matter how many times you hit yourself over the head with it, you never quite manage to completely lose consciousness.

Cretin and UNIX both start with C.

The scariest thing about Jurassic Park was that the control systems were Unix.

I used to do VMS, now I do Unix - it's a living.

Why is using a UNIX system like being an Eunuch? Everytime you go to do something important, you realize something critical is missing.

Why aren't there many female unix users? They don't think about to ask a man for help!

UNIX programmers are like witch doctors. They think they have to be covered with scars to show how powerful they are.

UNIX on Alpha ? Why run a 2-bit operating system on 64-bit hardware ?

UNIX and NT were talking about security and reliability. After some time they concluded, that they would like to be like VMS, when they grow up.

NFS = Not Fully Serviceable.

NFS = No File Security.

, Mike