The Linux and Unix Menagerie: Unix - System VI Release Notes

Happy Saturday folks (Or is it still Friday? I'm on call, so nothing about time matters unless it's next week already ;)

For this weekend, I again combed the Internet with a fine-toothed ...hair brush... and found even more funny stuff out there. It never ceases to amaze me that, out of the billions of people alive on this planet, so many have managed to retain their sense of humor :) Meanwhile, I thank my "Deity of the moment" for them, since, as "Reader's Digest" so eloquently put it: "Laughter is the finest off all medicines and will probably end up being the cure for most everything." I'm paraphrasing, of course.

Today's find, astoundingly enough, falls just short of containing every known Unix, Linux and other-OS-related joke on the internet :) Be sure to check out SpeedyGrl's Humor Section for a collection of jokes that almost have to get you to chuckle once or twice. Below I've included a selection, linked from there, about Unix Version VI.

Unix and Linux are now, apparently, going to become more PC... That just sounds wrong, even though I know what it doesn't mean ;)

Enjoy and have a great day :)

The following upgrade to UNIX System VI was posted to a Usenet
newsgroup, the original author is unknown to the poster.

Of course sys admins the world over know that Post-Modern Politically-Correct
BSD has already had these features for years.

In order for UNIX(tm) to survive into the nineties, it must get
rid of its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become
compatible with the existing standards of our day. To this end,
our technicians have come up with a new version of UNIX, System
VI, for use by the PC - that is, the "Politically Correct."

Politically Correct UNIX: System VI Release Notes

UTILITIES

"man" pages are now called "person" pages.
Similarly, "hangman" is now the "person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime".
To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the "cat"
command is now merely "domestic_quadruped".
To date, there has only been a UNIX command for "yes"
- reflecting the male belief that women always mean yes, even
when they say no. To address this imbalance, System VI adds a
"no" command, along with a "-f[orce]" option
which will crash the entire system if the "no" is ignored.
The bias of the "mail" command is obvious, and it
has been replaced by the more neutral "gender" command.
The "touch" command has been removed from the standard
distribution due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
"compress" has been replaced by the lightweight
"feather" command. Thus, old information (such as that
from Dead White European Males) should be archived via "tar"
and "feather".
The "more" command reflects the materialistic philosophy
of the Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable
"less" command.
The biodegradable "KleeNeX" displaces the environmentally
unfriendly "LaTeX".

SHELL COMMANDS

To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the "kill"
command has been renamed "euthanise."
The "nice" command was historically used by privileged
users to give themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling
them to be "nice". In System VI, the "sue"
command is used by unprivileged users to get for themselves the
rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
"history" has been completely rewritten, and is
now called "herstory."
"quota" can now specify minimum as well as maximum
usage, and will be strictly enforced.
The "abort()" function is now called "choice()."

TERMINOLOGY

From now on, "rich text" will be more accurately
referred to as "exploitive capitalist text".
The term "daemons" is a Judeo-Christian pejorative.
Such processes will now be known as "spiritual guides."
There will no longer be a invidious distinction between "dumb"
and "smart" terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.
Traditionally, "normal video" (as opposed to "reverse
video") was white on black. This implicitly condoned European
colonialism, particularly with respect to people of African descent.
UNIX System VI now uses "regressive video" to refer
to white on black, while "progressive video" can be
any color at all over a white background.
For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands
of "root" and his "wheel" oligarchy. We have
instituted a dictatorship of the users. All system administration
functions will be handled by the People's Committee for Democratically
Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to
be "owned" by users. All files and processes will own
themselves, and decide how (or whether) to respond to requests
from users.
The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17
Window System.
And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed "PC" -
for Procreatively Challenged.