More Unix And Linux Humor

Hey there,

For this "Lazy Sunday" post, I'm putting some more funny stuff I've found while crusing the web, regarding our two favourite flavours of OS. Of course, all the content has been sanitized, so I don't lose my "non-adult" status on this blog. If you want to check out the original sources, please stop by jeffcovey.net and jokes2go.com to have a look around.

Hope you find some of this stuff funny. Hilarious works too ;) Everyone needs a little time off, which is why I'm posting some goofy stuff over the weekend (Really, on the weekends readership goes way down, anyway, since I still haven't figured out how to get people interested in reading about work on their days off ;) Please note that the "command line" humor in the last section was done in a few different shells (a lot of it in csh, which won't reproduce in any other shell except tcsh, possibly)

Since there's so much space being used in this post, here's a little roadmap. Jokes 1 and 2 are song parodies, joke 3 is a clever paragraph and everything after that (All considered Joke 4 ;) are command line funnies.

Tomorrow, we'll get back to the "business" of Unix and Linux.

Cheers, and enjoy!

1. 50 ways to leave your editor

From: tbpic1@aurora.cc.monash.edu.au (Tim Pickett)
Subject: Re: Simon and Garfunkel (was Re: This is a test

umisef@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Bernd Meyer) writes:
>So let's go for "there must be 50 ways to leave your editor" :-)

All right, you've got a deal. Memories of trying to quit an editor in
VMS that I didn't understand . . . (A bad song this for parodying. It
makes it sound like I can't make words scan, even though I'm referring
to the sheet music in front of me.)

The problem is all inside your ed(1), she sed(1) to me,
But the answer is emacs if you like C-x C-c,
I'm here to help you if you're struggling to use free(),
There must be fifty ways to leave your editor.

She said, `I hope your print job doesn't get dequeued,
I hope that you've stocked up lots of vending machine food.
But I'll repeat myself - have you gone and colon-q'd?
There must be fifty ways to leave your editor.
Fifty ways to leave your editor.'

Just press control-K, Ray,
Try double-Z, Fred,
You're still in insert, Bert,
So hit control-C.
Press meta-x, Lex,
Then type, `exit-quit-leave'
Or else just suspend, friend,
and kill(1) it with glee.

She said, `It grieves me now to stty(1) sane,
I wish there was somthing I could do to see your prompt again,'
I said, "I appreciate that,' and started to complain
About the fifty ways.

She said, `Why don't we both just sleep(1) on it tonight?
I'm sure in the morning you'll be sick of reading Byte.'
And then she warned me not to be a power-cycling neophyte,
There must be fifty ways to leave your editor.
Fifty ways to leave your editor.

(Repeat chorus)

2. Addicted to vi

Title : Addicted To Vi
Original : Addicted To Love
Group : Robert Palmer
Author : Chuck Musciano <chuck@trantor.harris-atd.com>
Intro : After thinking about that poor wretch who has become
addicted to vi, I was inspired to compose the following
ditty, sung to the tune of "Addicted To Love" by Robert
Palmer. As you sing this, it may help the effect to imagine
a dozen women, all of whom resemble Bill Joy, dressed in
black and dancing sinuously.
Song :


Addicted To Vi
(with apologies to Robert Palmer)

You press the keys with no effect,
Your mode is not correct.
The screen blurs, your fingers shake;
You forgot to press escape.
Can't insert, can't delete,
Cursor keys won't repeat.
You try to quit, but can't leave,
An extra "bang" is all you need.

You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

You edit files one at a time;
That doesn't seem too out of line?
You don't think of keys to bind--
A meta key would blow your mind.
H, J, K, L? You're not annoyed?
Expressions must be a Joy!
Just press "f", or is it "t"?
Maybe "n", or just "g"?

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!
You press the keys without effect,
Your life is now a wreck.
What a waste! Such a shame!
And all you have is vi to blame.

Oh--You think it's neat to type an "a" or an "i"--
Oh yeah?
You won't look at emacs, no you'd just rather die
You know you're gonna have to face it;
You're addicted to vi!

Might as well face it,
You're addicted to vi!

3. Santa Claus Learns Unix

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town
cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus <north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | grep bad || good
for (goodness sake) {be good}

echo "Oh,"

better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town

4. Command Line Jokes.

1. % make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

2. % got a light?
No match.

3. % sleep with me
bad character

4. % man: Why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.

5. % rm God
rm: God nonexistent

6. % make 'heads or tails of all this'
Make: Don't know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.

7. % make sense
Make: Don't know how to make sense. Stop.

8. % make mistake
Make: Don't know how to make mistake. Stop.

9. % make bottle.open
Make: Don't know how to make bottle.open. Stop.

10. % \(-
(-: Command not found.

11. % rm -i God
rm: remove God? y
% ls God
God not found

% make light
Make: Don't know how to make light. Stop.

12. % date me
You are not superuser: date not set
Thu Aug 25 15:52:30 PDT 1988

13. % man rear
No manual entry for rear.

14. % If I had a ) for every dollar Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many )'s.

15. % * How would you describe Bill Clinton
*: Ambiguous.

16. % %Vice-President
%Vice-President: No such job.

17. % ls Meese-Ethics
Meese-Ethics not found

18. % "How would you rate Reagan's senility?
Unmatched ".

19. % [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].

20. % ^How did the^sex change operation go?
Modifier failed.

21. % cp /dev/null sex;chmod 000 sex
% more sex
sex: Permission denied

% strip show
strip: show: Permission denied

22. % who is my match?
No match.

23. % set i="DemocraticPlatform";mkdir $i;chmod 000 $i;ls $i
DemocraticPlatform unreadable

24. % awk "Polly, the ship is sinking"
awk: syntax error near line 1
awk: bailing out near line

25. % %blow
%blow: No such job.

26. % 'thou shalt not commit adultery'
thou shalt not commit adultery: Command not found.

27. $ test my argument
test: too many arguments

28. $ "Amelia Earhart"
Amelia Earhart: not found

29. $ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!

30. $ man -kisses dog
dog: nothing appropriate

, Mike