Sunday, November 23, 2008

Linux Users Unite ...And Riot: More Funny Fake News

Hey there,

Happy Sunday :) Hope yours is as restful as I expect mine to be. Since I write these posts at least a day in advance I can only say with a slight degree of certainty that I'm feeling better than I ever have and it's been a good long while since I've been quite so relaxed... possibly ;)

In any event, as always, we'll keep the exposition short for our Sunday humor post and turn you on to this bit of fake news from PacketStorm in their Linux and Unix humor section. Check out the rest of site for more laughs and some good security tips!

Enjoy and peace :)

Linux Advocates Turn Violent, Go On Rampage

Until yesterday, protesters had kept a quiet, good-natured presence
outside of the Microsoft's new office in downtown Seattle, handing out
free CD's of computer software, and even giving cute little stuffed penguins-their
mascot- to the children of passers-by. "They're such NICE young men," said
78 year old Mildred Matthews, walking her dog nearby. "They would pet my
dog, and we'd talk about Art Bell, Deep Space Nine and the X Files. I think
they just got tired of being repressed and kept down by The Man," said
this great-grandmother when interviewed this morning.


Tear gas fired at crowd.
But these demonstrators, whose numbers have escalated in recent weeks,
did in fact turn violent yesterday, clashing with police in the worst street
violence in this city's history.

"I don't know what set them off," said Microsoft Security Chief Lester

"They'd been gathering forces for some time, so I guess I should have expected
it. Mr. Gates sent a representative outside to meet with their leaders,
and suddenly there were hundreds of them screaming and breaking out windows.
Once I was safely upstairs, I called police. They plastered their penguin
posters all over our lobby and ate up all my jelly beans" said the 47 year
old, with visible frustration. "They even placed a little stuffed penguin
on my chair!"


Linux nerd wears gasmask hastily fashioned from a garbage
bag, work goggles, a pocket protector- and using the insides of a nutty
bar as a filter.
By 1:30PM, the streets had turned to utter chaos as police arrived
with riot gear, firing teargas at the crowd. One teargas canister, in a
bizarre twist of fate, landed in the doorway of the city's Convention Center,
where an NRA-sponsored survivalist organization was holding their annual
Gun & Knife Show. In the chaos that followed, no one seemed to know
who was fighting whom. Making matters worse, a large contingent from a
national motorcycle gang just

happened to be passing through town, and was caught in the melee. Injuries
and damage were widespread, with no official estimates yet available. Police
restored order sometime just before midnight.


"Death to Graphical User Interfaces!"

screams a penguinhead as he is arrested.

A Peaceful History Shattered

By all accounts, the Linux advocates had until this time, been quite
peaceful. Jose Suarez, who owns a small convenience store nearby, had only
good things to say about them.

"Before they even arrived in town, their leaders had contacted me by
phone, warning me that I would need to stock very heavily on Mountain Dew,
Doctor Pepper, and Jolt Cola. They sure do like that stuff. Geez."

Seattle Mayor PauI Schell expressed initial reservations about the influx
of penguinheads. "Obviously, when I found out that we were going to have
tens of

thousands of outsiders coming to our city, sleeping in their cars, on the
sidewalk- I was very concerned. We hadn't dealt with crowds this size since
the last Grateful Dead show here-
and I'll tell you, these computer nerds are touchy. At least the

hippies stayed mellow till we sent police to the lot to bust their
skulls with nightsticks."

"I went down and met with them, and they were really nice for a bunch
of computer-geeks. They had some sort of cellular hookup or something,
and were on the Internet conspiring with people all over the world. They
had cellphones, moving lifesize penguin holograms- the penguin is their
symbol- and fax machines, some sort of cable satellite TV so they could
watch Star Trek- they impressed me as

Protesters begin burning crates of MSN CD's.

good citizens. I'll admit, they fooled me.. When they got tired of playing
soccer or throwing frisbees, they'd get out little homebuilt robots- cute
little things, that play what they call 'fooball.' They said they believe
that technology, if kept in the hands of the people, will be a source of
very good social change. Up until now, our only big problem was with their
all-night laser-tag games all over downtown. Deep down, though, I knew
it wouldn't take much to push them over the edge."

Linux: Technology of The People, or Systems by Satan?


"PeaceFrog" attempts to sell a linux button to the
officer who confiscated his soccer ball. He was quickly arrested for vending
without a license.
The young enthusiasts of technology that were picketing Microsoft are
advocates of Linux, a computer "operating system" that competes with Microsoft's
"Windows" software. Linux is licensed under the Free Software Foundation's
General Public License and is literally free. Linux is a form of an operating
system called Unix, which has become rather controversial in recent years.

"Linux is by the people, for the people!" exclaims activist

Richard Stanley Dupp Jr.. "It's the result of people who want technology
to work for you, not for some rich billionaire whose goal is control
of the market and the destruction of the human spirit of creativity." He
then said something unintelligible, causing those nearby to burst out laughing.

"That was Klingon for 'it only took one brick to make that window
!'" explains a protester, who gave his name has PenguinBreeze.
PenguinBreeze said he was covering his travel expenses by selling stuffed
penguins, Linux stickers, and "fat way-kind veggie burritos."

The billionaire he's referring to is Microsoft CEO Bill Gates, the Henry
Ford of computer technology. It was Gates who built an empire by putting
PC's in nearly every American home. The Linux activists say that you cannot
purchase a computer without Windows, and seek a refund on the addition
to a PC's price. Neither manufacturers nor Microsoft will give the requested

But not everyone agrees that this challenge to the Microsoft empire
is based in good intentions. For most of the past week, the picketers have
been the focus of another organization, Seattle Citizens Unix Mobilization,
a group that opposes Unix-oriented systems for religious reasons.

"These cyberpunks are the hardcore subversives- the people who abuse
our technology, hack into our missile sites, question our clergy, defile
our morality, trivialize our art, mock our culture, and pervert innocent
souls with cybersex, pornography, and Disney World," said John Holmes,
the organization's president. "They call their favorite software 'Satan,'
they call their computers 'demons,' and the website of their leaders is
called "" Did you know that '666' in Linux means 'give myself
permission, give groups permission, and give everyone permission?'

The dignified-looking, elderly Holmes and his followers had been urging
state and federal authorities to step in, picketing the picketers around
the clock for nearly a week. "They talk about 'the people' and the evils
of capitalism. They're nothing but socialist anarchists working for the
liberal Jewish homosexual environmentalist media!" he added.

Radio talk show host Dr. Laura Schlessinger also jumped into the controversy.
"They talk about freedom but not of personal responsibility, permissiveness
without morality. And what is their symbol? Is it a religious symbol? A
patriotic symbol? A symbol of morality or decency? No. Their symbol is
a penguin- a PENGUIN! An eagle that can't fly, a chicken with no nutritional
value, a clumsy, stupid creature that waddles and wallows in the icy shell
of a cold, lonely hell of isolation," she told listeners yesterday.

Noon: The Nerds Go Nuts

The event that apparently triggered the rioting was, ironically, an
act of kindness, generosity, and goodwill on the part of Microsoft. It
was not well received, however, among these anarchic backers of free living
and free software. Microsoft spokesperson John Mash met with the leaders
of the protest, and made them an offer which, he said, was sure to satisfy

"I couldn't believe it- it HURT" said Linux activist FooManchu, tears
welling up in his eyes at the


Protesters charge the front gate, where they covered
the Microsoft logo with a Linux logo.

memory. "Do you know what they were offering? They were going to
give each of us an MSN CD and ten free hours. I just totally lost it. We
all did. It got really confusing when all those gun nuts came pouring out
of the Convention Center."

"Those gun nut jerks deserved to be teargassed," said Herman Kriegek,
31, of Worthington Ohio, on condition that he not be identified. "The sick,
bloodthirsty animals came out of the gun show shouting about the UN and
martial law. But they didn't know which side we were on. Our stuffed penguins
seemed to really confuse them. They finally seemed to decide they'd better
kick our asses just to be sure, and they were doing just that when we heard
this sound, like thunder."

That thunderous noise was from the motorcycles of some 300-400 members
of the Judas Disciples motorcycle gang, who were passing through downtown
in formation. They has just attended the funeral of one of their own who
had been gunned down in a barroom brawl.

"I was running from the gun nuts and the police, and was running down
the middle of the street in a panic. I thought it couldn't possibly get
worse. I look up and it's a freakin million bikers wearing gang colors,
coming right at me. The guy asks me why I'm runnin' and I tell him that
they're trying to kill us because we're into Linux. This dude, the meanest,
most evil-looking dude I ever saw in my life looks at me and says 'sheeeit,
Linux? I run Red Hat on my linux box" and nods to the dude next to him.
Turns out that the chief enforcer for the gang had met Linus Torvalds at
Sturgis way back years ago. Linus turned him on to Red Hat, and he's been
writing GNU software ever since."

Police have rounded up most of the organizers, who are now in jail awaiting
bond hearings. Still being sought is the suspected leader of the cult.
"They know that we know about their leader. We're overheard their whisperings.
This "Colonel" guy will be tracked down, and he WILL be brought to justice,"
said Seattle police Lt. Turner Treaques. "He thinks we're stupid, but we're
hot on his trail."

According to jailer Mike Fostquel, the captured nerds are model prisoners.
"They made a crude but listenable crystal radio out of a light bulb, a
crayon, and a square of toilet paper, and a rock. They say they'll have
linux on it by next week. They seem to be having a really good time. Tell
ya the truth, I'll hate to see 'em go."

, Mike

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