Saturday, August 23, 2008

More Weekend Humor Of The Linux and Unix Variety

Hey There,

A fine Saturday to you, or Sunday if you're an Australian who (according to my time charts) lives in the future ;) Today, we've got some more jokes and humour, of a Unix and Linux flavour. None of our senses of humour are probably exactly the same, but I try to pick out some halfway decent stuff for you and then, of course, refer you to the joke page where I found these little nuggets and heartily recommend that you check out the main site just in case you find a whole bunch of other stuff that makes you laugh on their other pages. I can't vouch for the content on a site I don't control (a lot of the jokes there are the same ones you've heard 50 times already today), but I thought this site offered a good bit of variety and some fresh material that warranted a little wholesome all-American co-opting. Of course, the credit for the content goes first to workjoke and then to the respective authors to whom they give attribution.

The only bizarre thing about today's post is that the keywords I used to index it (before Blogspot insisted on ordering them alphabetically) spell out "Funny Linux Unix Humour Joke Laugh Computer." To fans of Asian cinema who remember the good old days when the dubbing was done by people who weren't at all interested in the subtle differences between cultures and languages, the string of hapless descriptives and sterile nouns may bring back fond memories of a bad movie you saw a long time ago and have been trying to forget ever since. I'm starting to get a little misty... gonna go see if "Johnny Socko" is playing on TV-Land ;)


- "Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?"

- "No..."

- "Inheritance."

If you can touch it and you can see it, it's REAL.

If you can touch it but you can't see it, it's TRANSPARENT.

If you can't touch it but you can see it, it's VIRTUAL.

If you can't touch it and you can't see it, it's GONE.

If you can pick it up, it's a PC.

If you can't pick it up but you can push it over, it's a minicomputer.

But when you can't pick it up or knock it over, it's a mainframe.

Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the
beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1 F1" and nobody understood it.

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.

The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see
the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to

The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about
warnings, we only worry about errors."

Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being
taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the
Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting
some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll
on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could
think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics.
He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The
next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the
New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day.
Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the
revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare
minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room
filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe
it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras
(unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out
of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped
forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he
asked. "Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and
promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the
programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't
been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later,
not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that
everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact
anyone else on the planet.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is
everybody so interested in me?"

"Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the
corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".

APL is a write-only language.

In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.

C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree object
to tie it to.

With C you can shoot yourself in the leg. With C++ you can reuse the bullet.

A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake
without ketchup and mustard.

PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or

The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A language
will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented a very good
name and now I am looking for a suitable language.

D. E. Knuth, 1967

Why all Pascal programmers ask to live in Atlantis?

Because it is below C level.

Programming Languages are Like Cars

Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive
and maintain.

FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.

FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.

FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission
and no seat belts.

COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.

BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched
upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive.
You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.

PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a
two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust
pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.

C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional
seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).

ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.

ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone
can drive it.

Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once
popular with intellectual types.

LISP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are
not available.

PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars.

FORTH: A go-cart.

LOGO: A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a
real engine and a working horn.

APL: A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of
passengers to the same place all at the same time
but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented
in Greek.

Ada: An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering,
power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard.
No other colors or options are available. If it's good
enough for generals, it's good enough for you.

Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle.

What is an example of a never halting program?

Friedrichs and Magnus in front of an open elevator, each saying "you go first".

Why Client Server Computing is like Teenage Sex

It is on everybody's mind all the time.

Everyone is talking about it all the time.

Everyone thinks everyone else is doing it.

Almost no one is really doing it.

The few who are doing it are:

  • doing it poorly;

  • sure it will be better next time;

  • not practicing it safely.

    Life Before the Computer

    An application was for employment

    A program was a TV show

    A cursor used profanity

    A keyboard was a piano!

    Memory was something that you lost with age

    A CD was a bank account

    And if you had a 3 ½ inch floppy

    You hoped nobody found out!

    Compress was something you did to garbage

    Not something you did to a file

    And if you unzipped anything in public

    You'd be in jail for awhile!

    Log on was adding wood to a fire

    Hard drive was a long trip on the road

    A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

    And a backup happened to your commode!

    Cut - you did with a pocket knife

    Paste you did with glue

    A web was a spider's home

    And a virus was the flu!

    I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

    And the memory in my head

    I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

    But when it happens they wish they were dead!

    There are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.

    Paraphrased after a famous saying by Mark Twain

    Software Development Cycle

    1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

    2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

    3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the
      testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

    4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't
      work and discovers 15 new bugs.

    5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.

    6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product
      announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule,
      the product is released.

    7. Users find 137 new bugs.

    8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check,
      is nowhere to be found.

    9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of
      the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.

    10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department
      a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.

    11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor
      using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.

    12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a
      programmer to redo program from scratch.

    13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free...

    A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for
    a living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"

    Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

    "That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"

    Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

    "Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"

    Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

    The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's
    father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and
    demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system programmer
    specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems. How
    can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

    , Mike

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