Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Mother Of All Urban Legend Chain Emails And A Little Something For Star Trek Fans

Hey there,

Happy Sunday! If my calculations are correct, it should be around 4pm your time. If it's any earlier, you either didn't stay up late enough last night, you need to get some sleep now that yesterday is today or you should get back in bed and ponder why you have so much energy and what you can do to avoid this sort of awkward situation in the future ;)

For today's joke post, we're posting a double-whammy of humour, since I got both jokes from Joshua's Internet Humor Archive, which isn't all written by Joshua, but is all grouped there, which saves me a HUGE amount of time wasting space typing all about attribution and so forth... I can't believe I blew my one chance to not have to explain that part of a joke post by writing about how lucky I was not to have to explain it. This is quickly becoming a longer explanation of the ineffable feeling of freedom from having misattribution hanging over my head like a vulture than any single post's "this joke was written by this guy," explanation ever has been before. I'll segue out of this confusing, self-referential maelstrom of meta-justifications by the only means left available to me. Anyway...

The first joke is a fake chain letter which combines some of the finest elements of the Internet's most memorable legend and/or chain emails. If it doesn't make you laugh, it will scare you to death. Especially since it really happened to a guy my room-mate used to hang out with in High School ;)

The second is a list of things you'll never ever see on Star Trek. It covers all the way up to "The Next Generation," but I don't officially recognize any show except the original. The "James T. Kirk" Star Trek is the only Star Trek there ever was for many, many reasons. They had no budget, which made for spectacular cardboard "name-your-props", the characters were pretty much all offensive stereo-types (the sleazy womanizing Lothario, the bitter old geezer, the sterile logician, the token black character, token Asian character, token Hispanic character and the fighting mad drunken Scotsman who somehow managed to keep that sh@@box U.S.S. Enterprise moving along even though he had no clue how to cap a pressure valve) and - if you were in the right "frame of mind" - it was one of the most hilarious and entertaining hours of television you could ever watch. To this day, it's still my favorite (so much so that I've refused to watch any of the others ;).

So, we'll knock 'em down one by one. Here we go!

Have a great weekend :)

The Über-Legend

I know this guy whose neighbor (a young man) was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that his kidneys had been stolen and he saw a note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled "Join the crew!"

He knew it wasn't a hoax because he was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around. His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $200 Nieman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates. (It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from Bill Gates Himself, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)

The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, "Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital. It was the very same hospital where that little boy who is dying of cancer we've all heard is being treated. You know the little boy... the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.

Kinda off the subject, I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you too will have good luck, but if you forward it to only ten people, you will only have only OK luck, and if you send it to less than ten people you will have "real" bad luck for seven years!).

So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving along without his lights on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as part of a gang initiation.

Oh, and another thing, it's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages.

I feel much better for having shared this with you. Thank you for taking the time. I want you to be safe. You know it!!!

Things That Will Never Happen on Star Trek
Author Unkown

1. The Enterprise runs into a mysterious energy field of a type it has encountered several times before.

2. The Enterprise goes to visit a remote outpost of scientists, who are all perfectly all right.


3. Some of the crew visit the holodeck, and it works properly.

4. The crew of the Enterprise discover a totally new life form, which later turns out to be a rather well-known old life form wearing a funny hat.


5. The crew of the Enterprise are struck by a mysterious plague, for which the only cure can be found in the well-stocked Enterprise sick-bay.


6.The Captain has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people which is made a great deal easier by the Starfleet Prime Directive.


7. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without serious incident.


8. An enigmatic being composed of pure energy attempts to interface to the Enterprise's computer, only to find out that it has forgotten to bring the right leads.

9. A power surge on the Bridge is rapidly and correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by the highly-trained and competent engineering staff.

10. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly superior alien intelligence which does not put them on trial.

11. The Enterprise is captured by a vastly inferior alien intelligence which they easily pacify by offering it some sweeties.

12. The Enterprise visits an earth-type planet called "Paradise" where everyone is happy all of the time. However, everything is soon revealed to be exactly what it seems.

13. A major Starfleet emergency breaks out near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it to everyone's satisfaction.

14. The Enterprise is involved in a bizarre time-warp experience which is in some way unconnected with the Late 20th Century.

15. Kirk (or Riker) falls in love with a woman on a planet he visits, and isn't tragically separated from her at the end of the episode.

16. Counselor Troi states something other than the blindingly obvious.

17. The warp engines start playing up a bit, but seem to sort themselves out after a while without any intervention from boy genius Wesley Crusher.

18. Wesley Crusher gets beaten up by his classmates for being a smarmy git, and consequently has a go at making some friends of his own age for a change.

19. Spock (or Data) is fired from his high-ranking position for not being able to understand the most basic nuances of about one in three sentences that anyone says to him.

, Mike

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